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Foster's Comic History 
of Oklahoma 



By C. D. FOSTER 

Cartoons by MERLE St. LEON 




> ) 
' • > 
> . » 



Published by 

THE PUBLISHERS PRESS 

Oklahoma City, Okla. 



j TBADES '^i''' COUKC i_ i,^ 



rz^^ 




Copyright, 1916, by 
C. D. FOSTER 

Oklahoma City, Oklahoma 
All Rio'hts Reserved 



,6,' '^'" 



'CI.A4:!35ti6 

JUL-1 1916 



^ 




C. D. FOSTER 
Author "Foster's Comic History of Oklahoma' 



Get the Habit and Smile 



When you feel dam-bad, 

And the world looks blue, 
And you're tired of living — that's true. 

When your poor heart aches 

Till it almost breaks, 
And you think your friends untrue — 

Cheer up, my friend; 

Get a smile on your face. 
Think of all the good times you've had, 

Things might be worse; 

Dpn't trouble 'bout the hearse; 
Get a SMILE on your face — and be glad. 



Autobiography of the Author 

It was on the 22nd day of September, in the year 
1880, in a little shack out on the western prairies in 
that part of the world known as Seward, Nebraska, 
that I first saw the light of day. I was very young and 
inexperienced, in fact I was in a destitute and helpless 
condition. My parents were very poor, but of a kind 
and loving disposition, and they being aware of my then 
helplessness proceeded to clothe and feed me. The food 
they gave me was very thin, however, and consisted of 
milk, which I was forced to take in tiny sips for many 
months. , • ' ; -^^ 

I often longed for a square meal of pork and beans, 
but no man gave unto me. 

They continued to minister to my welfare for 
many years afterwards, and this debt I have never 
been able to pay. They have given up all hope of ever 
collecting it. 

At times they despaired of my prospects for future 
usefulness and were tempted to end my miserable ex- 
istence, but they suffered on, and allowed me to do like- 
wise, a fact they have many times since had cause to 
lament. 

Some folks are born rich, some have riches thrust 
upon them and some are born good looking. Some folks 
had better never been born at all. My friends say that 
I belong to the latter class. We will not stop to argue 
the question with them. ''I should worry." 

In early life I developed an enormous appetite and 
my capacity for beans and prunes was almost beyond 



6 Comic History of Oklahoma 

understanding. In later life, when I was forced to shift 
for myself, this appetite was a serious handicap to my 
welfare, financially. 

I was allowed to grow up in ignorance and have 
been able to hold my own ever since. Although I am 
naturally of a loving disposition my wife would no 
doubt tell you that I am a grouch and I have long since 
learned never to dispute her. 

Soon after reaching my majority I kissed all living 
things on the old homestead goodbye and went forth to 
revolutionize the universe, a task I have never yet been 
able to complete satisfactorily. 

After beating around over the rough places of civ- 
ilization for a few years I took unto myself a wife and 
rounded out a life of misery and privation by raising a 
family of boys. Through the kindness of my wife's 
relations I have been able to keep the wolf from the 
door, though at times his howls were audible in the 
near vicinity. 

On various occasions I have been tempted to give 
up the ghost, but it takes nerve to do this. (I have, be- 
fore now, been accused of being ''Nervy, " but that is a 
different proposition altogether.) 

Early in life it was my ambition to become a noted 
historian and my first offense along this line was a his- 
tory of the American Indian, which I stole bodily from 
the story of Wild Bill, or Leather Stockings, I have 
forgotten which. 

My greatest work is the History of Oklahoma, 
which will always have a warm spot in my heart, for 
the truths contained therein are a boon to civilization, 
and the story will pass down through the ages and 
wend its way through the libraries of posterity until 



Autobiography of the Author 7 

the moths and dust shall have finished its useful exist- 
ence. 

With such a past the future is very uncertain and 
should I get my just desserts, well, I leave it with you, 
gentle reader ; you may draw your own conclusions, and 
j^our solution of the problem will never be questioned 
by me. 

Sincerely, 

C. D. F. 



Preface 

Facts are the framework of history, and history 
is a record of the past, although some of the makers 
of history are ashamed of their past record; but this 
history is no respecter of persons. 

The Artist and the Author both have a great 
regard for facts, and we have never in our lives 
spoken disrespectfully of them. 

History records the doings of individuals, and 
we have tried to picture these individuals, not as they 
appeared when posing for their photograph, but as 
they were seen in the ej^es of the general public while 
they were making history for the ''general public" and 
posterity. The facts in the case are that we got them 
with their every-day clothes on. 

When we began work on this history we had three 
objects in view: 

First: To write the funniest history that Okla- 
homa folks ever read, and by so doing be able to sell 
a few of them to the unsuspecting, innocent public, 
because we needed the dough. 

Second: Simplicity of style and impartiality of 
treatment. We wanted to make this history awfully 
simple, and the result, as you will readily notice, has 
been simply awful. 

Third : To put before the people of Oklahoma the 
truthful story of the building of the greatest state on 
earth by some of the best people on earth — and a great 
many other folks. 



Preface 




Our acknowledgment is due to the Hon. Bill Nye 
for the idea, to Noah Webster for the loan of the 
vocabulary used herein, and to our many friends who 
so generously helped us in one way and another; some 
by heaping insults upon our head for attempting to put 
such trash on tl;ie market for an intelligent public to 

read, and others by 
useful sugg e s t i n s 
along the line, all of 
which we ignored. 

Our final result 
will bear us out in 
this statement. 

We want to espe- 
cially thank the proof- 
reader for his for- 
bearance in wading 
through this bunch of 
junk during the hot 
weather. We have since erected a monument to his 
memory and speak of him with the greatest of rever- 
ence and respect. 

If this history succeeds in driving away the blues 
from the clouded mind of some hard-working Okla- 
homa citizen, Ave will feel well paid for our work, and 
if it doesn't we will have no one to blame for it but 
ourselves. We are not going to get mad and swear 
about it ; it will be their loss and not ours. 

With this brief preface we submit the work, for 
better or for worse, and thus we leave it with you. 



/ OUR. 



PnOOF-RtADCR 









Our Creed 

Who makes this funny world go round 

And keeps things going on? 
Who holds the best positions — 

Will be missed most when he's gone? 
Not the one with hoards of gold dust, 

Not the plodder, sure but slow — 
'Tis the one who spreads the salve on — 

He's the one that makes it go. 

As you pass along life's pathway. 

Fighting for your daily bread, 
Take a look at those above you — 

Who are they so far ahead? 
Not the ones who found the horseshoe; 

Not the ones behind the hoe — 
They're the ones who spread the B. S., 

They're the ones who have the dough. 



Foreword 

The history of Oklahoma is unique in many ways. 
Few of the Oklahoma girls have ever gone outside of 
the state to marry titles, but some of them have 
acquired them just the same; for instance, Buckskin 
Lizz, Ponca Nell and Flat Foot Ann. 

Oklahoma has but few idle old maids. As soon 
as a girl decides that she cannot find a suitable hus- 
band among the natives she resigns herself to her 
fate and gets elected County Superintendent of 
Schools or Commissioner of Charities and Correc- 
tions. Failing in this, she joins the woman's crusade 
against the bootleggers, or writes stories for the Black 
Cat or the Comic Section of the St. Louis Post-Dis- 
patch. The woods are full of them. 

Another peculiarity is that the Indians played an 
important part in the early development of the state, 
and in some parts a few of them still survive, but for 
the most part they have been superseded by the 
grafters and politicians. 

This accounts in a measure for Oklahoma's 
peculiar citizenship, which is different from that of 
any other state in the union; it is a conglomeration 
of people from all over the world, and the jails and 
penitentiaries are generally full of convicted boot- 
leggers. 

The state is the richest one in Uncle Sam's do- 
main in the production of oil and gas, but many a 
poor devil lives in constant dread of the gas meter 
in winter and the ice man in summer. 



12 



Comic History of Oklahoma 



Oklahoma's past is filled with daring deeds of 
graft and lawlessness; her present is partially con- 
trolled by the corporations and the enforcement of- 
ficers, with a word thrown in now and then by the 
Corporation Commission ; her future is a problem that 
is taxing the minds of the local option workers, the 
bootleggers and the get-together clubs of the different 
political parties; though, taken as a whole, she is 
SOME STATE. 

Those who carefully study this history will not 
only gain a knowledge of Oklahoma and its builders, 
but will acquire a measure of intelligence that can 
never be obtained by reading any other historical pub- 
lication on the market today, for the facts contained 



I DlOEMT Ra"iS£ 




Prepared for the Weinerworst 



herein are altogether different from other facts in 
common use. 

These facts should be treated with all due respect 
and courtesy. They have been culled by the author, 



Foreword 13 

who has kept them so fresh and green that an unkind 
word would wither them in a moment ; so we ask that 
you be very considerate and, when you read them, 
if you feel like swearing, smother your wrath ; if you 
feel like boosting, give a yell; but however you feel, 
ask your neighbor to buj^ a copy of the book and 
refuse to loan him yours. You will, by so doing, 
confer a great favor on the author, and your neigh- 
bor may speak to you afterwards — but I warn you 
to be prepared for the weinerworst. 



First Known Inhabitants 

Oklahoma originally belonged to the Indians. 
That was before the white folks discovered it; after 
the discovery they soon took it away from the red- 
skins, but gave a part of it back to them to live on 
until it could be taken away again. 

War was the chief business of the original In- 
dians, and most of them never got over it. These 
original inhabitants treated their women folks as if 
they belonged to a lower class of beings and fit only 
to be the drudge and servant of her lord and master, 
her great w^arrior. 

If one should allow his imagination to have full 
sway, he might judge from the pleadings filed in the 
various divorce cases in Judge Hudson's court at 
Bartlesville in the past few years that a remnant of 
this former civilization still exists. 

Some folks believe that the divorce evil is an 
epidemic ; that is, they think it is catching. 

Most of the early inhabitants dressed in the Sep- 
tember Morn costume in summer, but added a bufl"alo 
skin in winter — woolly side in. Some of the society 
leaders of late years, who are habitues of the tango 
dance halls, have apparently dispensed with a part of 
this dress. 

The principal business outside of warfare was the 
exchange of valuable skins and beads to the white 
traders for tobacco and firewater. It was a poor 
grade of 'liooze" that they got, but it gave them that 
funny, fighting feeling, and that was what they were 
after. "Choc" is used for the same purpose now. 



First Knoivn Inhabitants 



15 



Their God was the Great Spirit; their Heaven a 
happy hunting ground, where they expected to take 
all their earthly belongings. A great many of the red 
men went there before they served their allotted time 
on Oklahoma soil. It has been hinted that some of 
them that are left at this late date would have been 
better off if they had gone on before. 

Their bunco business was done by the medicine 
men, and even now -in up-to-date 1916 medicine fakirs 
ply their trade on the street corners of some of the 




>T CURE'S (rVtr^^ THIM& 

FrfO'>^ C0RN3 TO eaAi'.' 

FEvE-R, (^BD tap»£ iaJop. ni' 




INDIAN 

MEDl CIWE5 

For. th-el 
5T0 r^AC H 



^lOO PenRottlc- 2 For^- 
"The tapeworm in this bottle is 75 feet long and taken from a 2 year old child, etc' 

leading cities and sell their fake Indian remedies to 
an innocent and unsuspecting public at so much per. 
Some of their victims have been known to live on in 
spite of it, but for the most part they are not so 
fortunate. 

Most crimes had penalties that could be met or 




16 Comic History of Oklahoma 

settled by the payment of a price (usually payable in 
ponies), and when the white men came with their 
civilization and civilized laws they stole this idea from 
the Indian and incorporated the same notions into the 
said 'iaws," so that today, as then, many crimes are 
settled by the payment of a price, and the bigger the 
crime the higher the price. 

Murder was usually punished by a relative or 
friend of the victim, who acted as an executioner ; and 
thus many feuds sprang up, and some of them have 
not died out yet, although most of the original con- 
testants have. 

Each tribe had its own peculiar grunts and growls 
that took the place of a language, and tribes that had 
not a single word in common could readily carry on 
a conversation by means of these said grunts and 
growls, together with a bunch of signs that they used, 
and ''They were much given to oratory and story- 
telling" (historical quotation). 

Their houses were called tepees, and were con- 
structed by drawing three or four poles together at 
the top like a tripod and then covering these poles 
with skins and grass or whatever the squaws could 
find lying around loose. This made moving easy, and 
when this eventful day came around, as it always does 
on various occasions, all they had to do was to roll 
up their house and take it along. 

Great events in tribal history were recorded on 
tanned buffalo skin by means of a crude system of 
picture writing. 



Explorations 



Coronado. 

The first white people to visit what is now Okla- 
homa came here in the early part of the Sixteenth 
Century. Their object in coming here was not to 
discover Oklahoma, for they had no use for it; they 
were seeking for gold, and although more than four 
hundred years have elapsed since then, many people 
visit Oklahoma now with the same object in view. 
Some of them get disappointed, others buy gold bricks 
and diamonds and still retain their dignity as 
statesmen. 

Coronado was perhaps the first white man to fit 
out a company of volunteers to seek for the precious 
metal in this neck of the woods. The nerve of some 
people ! 

He went almost nutty over the belief that he 
would find the seven cities of Cibola somewhere 
within the bounds of the present State of Oklahoma, 
-or Arizona, so he gathered together a thousand naked 
savages and about three hundred Spaniards and went 
forth to investigate. He got back! 

They crossed a great plain which they named the 
LLANO ESTACADO, and it has never since changed 
its name, although few 'people know how to pro- 
nounce it. 

He felt discouraged when he crossed the Pan- 
handle of Texas, but he pushed on until he reached 
the quicksand beds of the Cimarron river. Here he 



18 



Comic History of Oklahoma 



suffered terribly for want of water, gave up in 
despair and returned home; not, however, until he 
had strangled his guide that led him into such a 
country. 

This was the first lynching of record on Oklahoma 
soil. Two or three towns in the state can vouch for 
the fact that it was not the last one. 




"Killin' is Too Good for Ynh" 



Laharpe. 

Laharpe was a horse trader and came to Okla- 
homa soon after Coronado. It is hinted that he was 
the first member of the A. H. T. A. 

The people of Kansas thought so much of him 
that they named one of their little villages after him. 
It has never since made much of a growth, due to 
poor digestion or something of the sort. 



Explorations 



19 




'Oft on a Stilly Night" 



Many horse traders have 
infested these regions since, and 
some of them found that their 
business hung heavily around 
their necks at the last. Some of 
them were not able to get their 
feet on the ground again — 
speaking from a business stand- 
point, of course. Any way you 
are a mind to look at it, their 
hands were tied. • . 



Cabaca de Vaca. 

Among other famous explorers who were to take 
a prominent part in the discovery and exploration 
of this great country was Cabaca De Vaca, who claims 
that he was the first white man to look a buffalo in 
the face. 



/Good f^ianf \ (kiellq sport" 

[(jWENDOLVrJ'J ^ 




LOOKING A BUFFALO 
IN THE pace:. 



"And the blow almost killed father" 



Sometime after this all the buit'alo became extinct 
in Oklahoma except a few that Pawnee Bill uses in 
his show. 



20 



Comic History of Oklahoma 



De Vaca claims that he passed up either the 
Cimarron -or Canadian river valley for many miles, 
but some of the wise ones shake their heads when 
they read about it, for they doubt if he had the nerve, 
and, even if he had, how could his men go so long 
without water? This depends, of course, on the sea- 
son of the year. 

Bonilia. 

Bonilla got it into his head that a certain, band 
of Indians needed spanking, and he fitted out an 
expedition to do the job up right. He had heard, too, 
that gold was to be found in paying quantities along- 
some of the streams, and he wanted to see for himself. 

He got into a conflab with one of his captains 
because he thought that the old fellow was making 
goo-goo eyes at the Indian girls as they passed the 



yan TH E uov e Of 
MIKE. OLB TOP. OE 
REA50WABLE- i'Eu 
<lOT ^ W\FB AND 




HE CRACKtO T9E. ouq 

A'VAW OV£l\ THt OEAN" 



I'll give you to understand that I'm no flirt 



camp on their way to gather buffalo chips for their 
camp fires. 



Explorations 21 

The captain, whose name was Humana, cracked 
the old explorer on the bean and he croaked. 

The Indians were sore on Humana anyway, on 
account of his unwelcome attention to the young girls 
of the tribe, and they fell on the camp one night and 
almost exterminated the whole bunch. 

A few years after this the Governor of New 
Mexico, assisted by one of the survivors of the old 
Bonilla expedition, fitted out a marauding party and 
killed about a thousand Indians. 

This eased up matters some and made the white 
folks feel a ''heap'' better. 

This all happened away back in 1601, and we 
have forgotten the particulars. 

About ten years later the Spaniards pawed all 
over the Wichita mountains in search of gold. This 
search was kept up for forty years by the mission- 
aries, who were supported by the folks back home 
while they were supposed to convert the poor heathen 
Indians to Christianity (and firewater). 

In the latter they succeeded beyond expectations, 
but they never found much gold. 

In 1717 a Spanish force five hundred strong went 
out to punish the Comanche Indians. This party 
started out from Santa Fe, New Mexico. They 
marched to within a few feet of the western boundary 
of Oklahoma, where they found the Comanche camp. 
(It is not known at this time why the Indians did not 
camp over on the Oklahoma side, but tradition has 
it that the sand was too hot for their bare feet and 
that the old chief and a few others got cold feet on 
the proposition; anyway, they were found on the 
Texas side.) 

The Spaniards let their hair down and put a little 



22 Comic History of Oklahoma 

red paint on their cheeks, and thus disguised them- 
selves so completely that when they attacked the band 
at daybreak the Indians thought it was one of their 
raiding parties coming home to roost. 

Those who were not killed at the first rush were 
soon enlightened, and seven hundred in all were sent 
to the Queen of Spain as a Christmas present. 

When the Queen glued her glims on the old 
Comanche warriors she threw a fit and ordered them 
deported to Cuba. 

She gave each of them a banana farm down there, 
but it is said that they would not work it, because 
their squaws were absent, and in time they all starved 
to death. This tale has never before been truth- 
fully told. 

Thus the country flourished until Jefferson 
bought Louisiana from Napoleon, and coaxed him to 
throw in Oklahoma for good measure. 

[N. B. Both these men are dead.] 

Oklahoma was at this time a barren piece of land 
sprinkled over with sand and pebbles, fit only for the 
Indians. It was almost uninhabitable when the hot 
south winds got to monkeying with the said sand and 
pebbles. By patience and perseverance it has become 
one of the leading states of the union in the produc- 
tion of oil and gas and a few other things too numer- 
ous to mention. 

Questions. 

Q. Why did people come to Oklahoma in the first 
place? 

A. They thought they would get rich quick. 




H 
M 

vi 

w 
S 

H 

OS 

a: 

u 
u 

a 

a 



24 



Comic Historij of Oklahoma 



Q. Why did Coronado give up his search for the 
seven cities of Cibola? 

A. He got stuck in the quicksands of the Cimar- 
ron river and v^^as afraid to go farther on account 
of lack of v^ater. 

Q. How did Uncle Sam acquire Oklahoma? 

A. Napoleon threw it in as good measure when 
he sold the Louisiana country to Jefferson. (Note — 
Jefferson died before the trick was discovered.) 

Q. What are buffalo chips? 

A. Ask any old settler of Kansas or Oklahoma. 



1 




Back to Nature, No'gas meter; no coal bills 



Indian Territory Established 



In 1824 President Monroe proposed an Indian 
Territory, where all the Indians that were in the way 
in the East could be herded together in one spot, be- 
yond civilization. 

They chose Indian Territory for this purpose. 

Fort Gibson was the first barracks established 
and Fort Towson the next. At the former the noted 
characters of the day used to gather to spin yarns. 
Among them we might mention : 

Washington Irving. 

This noted Ameri- 
can writer visited Fort 
Gibson and wrote his 
'Tales of a Traveler" in 
a tent just outside of the 
parade grounds on Gar- 
rison Hill. 

The commencement 
of the second paragraph 
of his book entitled ''A 
Tour of the Prairies" 
reads as follows: ''It 
was' early in October, 
1832, that I arrived at 
Fort Gibson, a frontier 
post of the far west, sit- 
uated on the Neosho or 
Grand river near its 
confluence with the Arkansas." It is said that 





T832'' - 



i erected" B" 




^"P'^Hi^f- 




26 Comic History of Oklahoma 

he got his inspiration for his famous story, ''The 
Legend of Sleepy Hollow," at Muskogee, a little village 
a few miles to the west. His description of ''Ichabod 
Crane" produces a life-sized likeness of a noted music 
teacher of Bartlesville. (Excuse us for a moment; we 
just dodged a brick.) 

John Howard Payne. 

John Howard Payne visited Fort Gibson many 
times and after his first visit there he went home and 
wrote our National Hymn, ''Home, Sweet Home." No 
one who has ever visited Fort Gibson criticised him 
for feeling that way about it. 

Longfellow. 

In 1848 the poet Longfellow, on a tour of observa- 
tion, visited Fort Gibson, and the next year appeared 
the finest of all his poems, ''Evangeline," where the 
scenery in the vicinity of Fort Gibson is graphically 
described. 

In this wonderful land at the border of the Ozark 
mountains, Evangeline sought Gabriel, and met a 
Shawnee woman who, like herself, was seeking her 
lost lover. She related a tale of love with its pleasures, 
until Evangeline's heart was touched with pity for the 
Indian maiden, and there they wept together for their 
helpless fate, the white woman and her red-skinned 
sister. 

It was here that Evangeline first began to despair 
of ever finding Gabriel, and we do not blame her for 
this. We do not see how she ever had the heart to go 
on after such an experience, but she did, and after 
many more years of searching she found — Oh, pshaw I 
go get the book and read it for yourself. 



Indian Territory Established 27 

Jefferson Davis. 

Jefferson Davis at one time commanded Fort Gib- 
son, and the house in which he lived is now in ruins, 
and only the two chimneys mark the site where once 
the rude hut stood. It seems like everything Jeff un- 
dertook went to ruin. 

It was here that Jeff stole his bride, the daughter 
of Zachariah Taylor. Zach did not like Jeff then, for 
he was an untried lieutenant, and he wanted his Betty 
to marry some one that had been weighed in the bal- 
ance, but Jeff and she hiked off to Van Buren, Arkan- 
sas, one day and had the knot tied, and then came 
back to Fort Gibson to get forgiveness. 

Soon afterwards Zach was called to the Mexican 
war and at Buena Vista he got his men into a jackpot, 
but Jeff came up and turned defeat into a victory for 
the Americans, and old Zach fell on his neck and wept. 
After that they were pals. 

Jeff was a pretty good boy, but he saw such a 
mess made of the government in relation to the affairs 
of the Indian country that when the civil war broke 
out he cast his lot with the Johnnies, and they liked 
him so well that they invited him to be the first Presi- 
dent of the Confederacy, a position no other man ever 
filled. Considering his early training, no one has ever 
questioned his sincerity in taking the job; but from 
the reports the salary he received never did him much 
good, and some even question the honorary position 
as well, because Pat Henry said one time that he would 
rather be right than be President, and Pat ought to 
know because, like Bryan, he never was President. 

Sam Houston. 

Sam resigned the Governorship of Tennessee, left 
his newly married wife and went west to join the 



28 Comic History of OJclahoma 

Cherokees. He lived a number of years at Fort Gib- 
son, assuming Indian garb, and took up his abode with 
old Chief Johnnycake. 

He was at this time addicted to heavy drinking, 
but we do not know whether this had anything to do 
with his leaving home. 

It is said that he was both honored and feared by 
the Cherokees, and he seemed to enjoy it, so what dif- 
ference does it make to us? 

Why he left his home in the east is a matter of 
little consequence, and on the whole it is none of our 
business. What became of his wife is a matter that 
no one ever cared to discuss with him, and as the 
Bible says that it is not good for man to be alone, Sam 
proceeded to get him an Indian wife. She was Tahil- 
hina Rodgers, and it is said on good authority that 
she was very beautiful. We never saw her picture, 
but then the Indian maiden in pictures and the Indian 
girl in reality are two different girls altogether. We 
do not know to which of these she belonged. 

Sam lived with his Indian wife until the Mexican 
war broke out and then he went to the front, and indi- 
cations are that he forgot all about the little Indian 
wife at home. We hope not. 

What happened is a matter of history. Houston 
joined his strength with the party that was fighting 
for the independence of Texas, became their general, 
defeated the Mexican army and won for them their 
freedom. 

He then married again, and this time succeeded 
in staying long enough to raise a family. Temple 
Houston, one of the children from this marriage, be- 
came a very prominent man in the early history of 
Oklahoma. 



Indian Territory Established 29 

Let us say to the credit of Houston that he tried 
to get his Indian wife to come to him in Texas, but 
she thought that she could never stand it to Kve among 
the Texas people, so she declined with thanks. 

Tahilhina died of pneumonia in 1838, before Hous- 
ton had an opportunity to come back to see her, but 
on her tombstone you will find these words, 'Tahilhina, 
Cherokee Wife of Sam Houston, the Liberator of 
Texas." 

Henry M. Stanley. 

Stanley used to teach school in Fort Gibson, and 
the old building is still standing. It is said that he 
literally taught the young idea how to shoot, because 
they needed the shooting part worse than they did the 
three R's. 

He never received as much money or as much 
notoriety from his school teaching business as he did 
from his hunt for Livingstone in South Africa, but he 
said he was well fitted for his southern jaunt in Dark- 
est Africa after spending a few years in this neck of 
the woods. 

Many of the citizens of Fort Gibson relate with 
great pride that they learned their A, B, C's from 
Henry. They never mentioned it to any one until after 
he put out his famous book, **In Darkest Africa,* 
which we have had in our library for nearly twenty 
years, but never have read. It's a good book yet, for 
it has seen but little use. 

George Catlin. 

George Catlin used to visit Fort Gibson and put 
up at the best hotel. The old Indians would come from 
miles around to get George to draw their pictures, 
while some of the braves brought their sweethearts to 



30 Comic History of Oklahoma 

George and sat behind him while they posed for their 
pictures in front. These were strenuous times for 
George. 

One day the old chief got jealous of him and he 
left between acts, and was never heard from after- 
wards. Some say that he took the princess of the tribe 
with him, and some say that he didn't, but, anyway, 
white men from all parts of the east came here in 
great numbers as soon as George published the first 
edition of his Indian Portrait Album. Many of them 
were afterwards dubbed **Squaw Men," and in due 
course of time they became very wealthy, because 
every child born to them was entitled to a quarter 
section of land. 

Soon after this preparations were made to move 
all the Indians from the eastern country into this new 
Indian Territory that President Monroe had planned. 

Some of the older heads of the different Indian 
tribes did not like the proposition very well. They 
argued that it was hardly right to expect them to give 
up their nice homes in the east for a home on the 
prairie, and then, too, some of the old bucks were 
suff'ering with kidney trouble and they were informed 
by the medicine men of the tribe that the alkali water 
in some parts of the Indian Territory would not be 
very good for them. Uncle Sam insisted, however, 
and some of the Indians still survive, although they 
are so mixed up with white folks that it is hard to 
distinguish them, except that the girls are reputed to 
be much better looking than the pure white stock. 
Some hold to the theory that it is on account of their 
greater wealth, while others claim that they are not 
so much given to the slit skirt and the X-ray dresses 
as their white sisters are. 



Indian Territory Established 31 

The author, being of a very reserved nature, and 
not well versed along the line of Paris fashions, is not 
in a position to speak authoritatively on the subject. 
We do not know that we have ever made the acquaint- 
ance of an old maid that could trace her lineage back 
to the red man of old. 

George Guess. 

Soon after the removal a Cherokee by the 
name of Sequoyah conceived the idea that the Chero- 
kee language could be printed if he could just think 
of a suitable character to represent each word of the 
language, but he found that this was ''heap much" of 
a task for one poor Indian, so he got out a government 
patent on enough signs to represent the different syl- 
lables of the language, and found that he had in all 
eighty-four characters. 

He then used the letter ''S." What he used this 
*'S" for, I do not know, but no doubt it stood for 
Sequoyah and a few other very prominent characters 
of that day and age. It is said that some of the old 
bucks had 'a hard time mastering these eighty-four 
characters before they could write a letter to the folks 
back home. Tradition has it that Sequoyah grew up 
very ignorant and untutored and that he never suc- 
ceeded in learning to write his own name in "United 
States." And he never learned to speak the language 
of the pale faces. He wrote many lengthy articles in 
Cherokee and succeeded in getting them printed in the 
home newspaper, and the folks read these articles at 
times. 

In his declining years he was kept busy inventing 
alphabets for the various Indian tribes throughout the 
old Indian Territory, as the Indians about this time 
were very much in need of a language to express their 



32 



Comic History of Oklahoma 



feelings toward the white intruders. Some of these 
would not do to print, however; they have never be- 
come a matter of history. 

Many years after Sequoyah had gone to the happy 
hunting ground there was a convention called for the 
purpose of forming a constitution for that part of the 
world known as the Old Indian Territory. 

After they got the constitution to their liking they 
intended to have it adopted and then apply for admis- 
sion under the name Sequoyah ; this proposition, how- 
ever, contracted some awful disease and died in in- 
fancy. 

When the constitution for the joint statehood of 
Oklahoma and Indian Territory was formed some time 
later one of the counties was named after the noted 
chief. 




Chief Geronimo and his bodyguard enroute to Ft. Sill. 
"There's no place like home" 



A few months ago, while the author was out on 
one of his foraging expeditions in search of facts for 
use in this history, the train stopped at a small vil- 



Indian Territory Established 33 

lage not far from Claremore, and upon investigating 
we found that we were at Sequoyah. We feel sure that 
old George Guess, if he were on earth now, would be 
forever ashamed of the town that bears his name. But 
poor George is gone. 

Fort Arbuckles. 

This fort was established in 1851 and was no doubt 
named in honor of Arbuckles Coffee. History tells us 
that it was afterwards abandoned, and all the folks 
drank Postum because they had a reason for it. Fort 
Sill was established soon afterwards and old Geronimo 
moved his headquarters there, where he remamed un- 
til his death. 

Fort Cobb. 

This was another stronghold. This fort took its 
name from the great piles of corn cobs stacked there 
by the campers who lived on roasting ears. 

Below you see a picture of one of the post com- 
manders and his waiter. Note the satisfied expression 
on the visible part of his face. 




M^^FS-CO" 



Summary 



The period from 1803, when the Oklahoma coun- 
try came into possession of the United States, up to 
the time of the Civil War might be termed very peace- 
able, considering the conditions then existing and the 
people who inhabited the country that was afterwards 
to form the great State of Oklahoma. 

The Five Civilized Tribes continued to thrive and 
raise children. They no longer depended on the mis- 
sionaries for everything but began to shift for them- 
selves, and incidentally to sell a portion of their al- 
lotment to their white brothers. 

Sequoyah had given them a language of their own 
and they began to flood the market with yellow backed 
literature that exploited the daring deeds of the great 




''Everybody works but father" 



chiefs of the tribes, and one book especially on "How 
to Get More Work Out of Your Squaw" was read witli 
great interest. 

In 1832 Nathaniel Boone, son of old Dan, marched 
to the present site of Guthrie, then south between Ok- 



Summary 35 

lahoma City and El Reno, then back home. They say 
that he was hunting for a townsite but found nothing 
that looked promising, so the attempt was abandoned ; 
but in 1843 he tried it again, without success, and he 
was soon forgotten. Since that time many attempts 
have been made to build a city in this locality. 

In 1861, at the outbreak of the Civil War, the 
Choctaws declared in favor of the Johnnies, as did also 
the Chickasaws. The Cherokees followed soon after- 
wards. Several other tribes cast their lot with the 
Yanks. 

•Captain Albert Pike had been appointed special 
agent to wait on the various tribes and hornswoggle 
them into the Confederacy, which he did. Some of 
them remained neutral and thus saved their bacon. 

In January, 1835, the location and size of Indian 
Territory was describd as follows: 

"By the Indian Territory is meant the country 
within the following limits, viz: 

"Beginning on the Red River east of the Mexican 
boundary, and as far west of Arkansas Territory as 
the country is habitable (note this last word) ; thence 
.down the Red River eastwardly to the Arkansas Ter- 
ritory to the State line of Missouri; thence along its 
western line to the Missouri river ; thence up the Mis- 
souri river to the Puncah river; thence westwardly as 
far as the country is habitable (?) ; thence southward 
to the point of beginning." This includes Kansas and 
Nebraska, as far west as the country is habitable, and, 
strange as it may seem, they never went any farther 
west than the Texas Panhandle. History tells us that 
what was meant by "habitable" was a country upon 
which timber sufficient for building, fuel and fencing 



36 



Comic History of Oklahoma 



grew. If this were true, they should never have set- 
tled the countrj' west of Shawnee. 

[Note. In 1856 a scourge of grasshoppers visited 
a part of Oklahoma and destroyed everything in their 
path, even carrying off the small papooses.] 




Kickapoo, Sockery, Pow-wow, Dam 



Since that time the people of Oklahoma have been 
able to cope with all pests that threatened the welfare 
of the prosperous commonwealth, except insurance 
agents, domestic servants and solicitors for Collier's 
Weekly. 



Wars 

This chapter will be given up to wars, and will, 
in a general way, take up the bloody part of the his- 
tory of this great republic. 

In some ways they played a very important part 
in this history by relieving the general congested sit- 
uation about this time. The penitentiaries were over- 
crowded and pin-head lawyers were very numerous 
in some localities. These wars enabled them to come 
to the front in whirlwind fashion. 

The many Easterners who were attracted here on 
account of these wars soon conceived the idea that there 
could be a great profit derived from the sale of Indian 
relics, and many factories sprung up all over the coun- 
try that manufactured these curios and sold them to 
the unsuspecting and innocent public at fabulous 
prices. 

The fact that it was necessary to expose the an- 
cient relics to the wind and weather to give them the 
proper appearance accounts for their general useless- 
ness. 

Outside of a few little skirmishes with the Indians, 
more on the order of family rows, the country was 
never thrown into a state of general turmoil until the 
Civil War broke out. 

This Civil War was a most unhappy event for the 
Indian women, for not a few of them owned slaves 
who did the most of the work. The women of the 
tribes were thus relieved of much of the household 
drudgery. As soon as the slaves were freed the Indian 



38 Comic History of OJdahoma 

women were again put into the hardest work and were 
compelled to scrub the floors of their own tepees and 
carry in the grass and leaves for their own bunks. 
This was considered very degrading by the society 
women of the tribes, but they had to put up with it. 

Nearly all of the tribes came from the South, and 
to this day most of them vote the Democratic ticket, 
and consider work a degrading occupation. 

The Caddo Indians had recently been expelled from 
Texas, and when some of the friendly troops retreated 
northward from Oklahoma at the outbreak of the war 
they eagerly followed. During their march north- 
ward it is stated on good authority that food was 
so scarce that all the forces from both sides of the fray 
gathered in the Red River Valley to keep from starv- 
ing to death. 

General Stand Waitie and General Gano suc- 
ceeded in furnishing new suits to their soldiers 

once during the war 
while they were camped 
between Tulsa and Eu- 
f aula, but the old Indians 
could not accustom 
themselves to their new 
suits and in a short time 
they cut the seats out of 
the trousers, because 
they said the white 
man's pants were too 
Removed the Seat of trouble ^ot f or Ordinary Wear. 

Although these are not all the principal events of 
the Civil War in Oklahoma, yet on the whole they 
were not very decisive. The ruin of the country, 
however, from a financial standpoint, was very com- 




Wars 



39 




plete. Add to this the lawless ele- 
ment, which knew no feeling of loy- 
alty for either side, who plundered 
and robbed the people as occasion of- 
fered. This has been continued ever 
since by a certain element. 

The Indians that remained loyal 
during the war were dubbed Pin In- 
dians. History tells it was on ac- 
count of the pins they wore, but in 
the language of today it would be 
taken a^ an intimation that they were 

pin-heads. 

As soon as the Indians got wind 
that the Confederacy was losing 
ground they deserted in great num- 
bers and went over to the Unioi. 
ranks, where their canteens were 
kept filled to overflowing. 

The Civil War in Oklahoma is not one that in- 
spires the white man with a feeling of pride in his 
race, so we will pass it up and agree with Sherman 
that in Oklahoma, at least, war was what he said il 
was. 

The ten years following the Civil War are noted 
in Oklahoma for several reasons. -The country was 
overrun with horse-thieves, whiskey peddlers, gam- 
blers and sharpers that preyed upon the Indians and 
some other folks. They were the daddies of the pres- 
ent day bootleggers that infest the country in various 
places. 

Finally, after a few years had passed, Kicking 
Bird, Little Raven and Whirlwind, assisted by a few 
other big bugs of the Indian country, including Qua- 



Me no Pin Head; Me 
Sap Head 



40 



Comic History of Oldahoma 



nah Parker, decided to clean up on the white folks. 
They did—! 

Pat Hennesey was burned alive at his own wagon 
wheel. It is hinted that this outrage was committed 
by outlaws disguised as Indians. However that may 
be, the Indians got the blame for it at the time, and 
Uncle Sam peeped into the matter very carefully and 
in a short time, after this there were fewer Indians 
in Oklahoma and "peace was restored" (historical 
quotation) . 

This ended the Indian wars in Oklahoma until 
Crazy Snake broke loose a few years ago/ This 
caused quite an excitement among the newspaper men, 
but they were the only ones that made anything out 
of it. (More later, see appendix.) 

After the Indian 
^ftry jyyy/yA '■ ^A^/.y,\ w^////^ d/////i ^^^ wars came the Boomer 




war. Perhaps the best 
known name in this 
boomer war business 
was that of David L. 
Payne. He planted a 
colony near the pres- 
ent site of Oklahoma 
City in 1880, but the 
^/ j I colonists were ar- 
rested, some say on ac- 
count of their attempt 
to plant a colony in 
forbidden territory, 

Througrh the window-Payne but a citizCn of Guth- 

rie said recently that it was his firm belief that they 
were arrested for attempting to plant a colony in such 
a forlorn and desolate place as that must have been. 



War^ 41 

Dave tried it again after he failed at Oklahoma 
City. They say it was about two years afterwards. 
This was also a failure. The next year he appealed to 
the courts for an injunction forbidding anyone to mo- 
lest him in his attempt to colonize the Oklahoma 
country. The Supreme Court postponed his hearing 
until they caught another bunch of boomers coming 
into the country and they laid this on Cap and indicted 
him. 

The Standard Oil Company had a very valuable 
barbed wire fence destroyed about this time and this 
was laid up against Dave, too. 

Now history fails to tell us how it came about that 
the Standard Oil Company was allowed to do business 
in the forbidden territory when they would not allow 
honest homeseekers to squat on enough territory to 
make them a farm, but we report with great satisfac- 
tion that when the Standard applied to the courts for 
redress of grievances Uncle Samuel told them that 
there was nothing doing. And if they wanted a fence 
there they would have to build a new one. 

Payne gave up trying to settle this country in 
droves and advised his followers to sneak in one at a 
time. Quite a few of them ''snuk" and were left here 
unmolested for a few years, but they were all routed 
after a while, not by the soldiers with sword and gun, 
but by starvation. The soldiers never allowed a grub 
train to reach the settlers and they soon went back 
to their wife's relations. 

Payne died in 1884, and a few days afterwards a 
bill was introduced into Congress providing for the 
opening of the country to settlement. 

[Note. The reason that the people of Oklahoma 
thought so much of Payne was that he died before 
they elected him governor.] 



Indians 

The origin of the American Indian is not known, 
but the origin of some of the names will be given here 
to enlighten the future generations. Taken as a whole 
the Indians had peculiar names ; no more so, however, 
than the Greeks, Dutch and Polocks that work around 
the smelters at Bartlesville, in Smelter-town. 

The name Arapaho is taken from the Pawnee lan- 
guage and signifies "Trader." They are to the Indian 
civilization what the Jew is to the dry goods business 
of the United States, and they are tolerated. 

Cheyenne is a French word, taken from the Dakota 
language, meaning a people of alien speech, and for 
many years the white folks w^ere unable to understand 
the Cheyenne Indians and the getting acquainted cost 
this countrj^ over thirty million dollars, besides a thou- 
sand soldiers, settlers, freighters and scouts. 

The Delawares called themselves in their own lan- 
guage "Leni-Lenape" which meant ''real man," and 
Joe Bartles of Dewey is trying to live up to the stand- 
ard. It is claimed that an ancient wampum belt 
owned by the Delawares before the white people came 
to this country was used in the* treaty with William 
Penn. This belt was adorned with a copper heart, 
which, like the heart of a Delaware, never changes. 
The Delawares furnished 170 soldiers to the Union 
army out of a total able bodied population of 201, but 
history fails to state how many returned to their te- 
pees after the war was over. 

The name Pottawatomie means "Fire Maker," and 



Indmns 



43 



during the French and Indian wars they were against 
the English, and that is where they discovered the 
"Fire Fly." 

The Sauk and Fox (pronounced Sack and Fox) 
produced a great leader known as Black Hawk, but 
they finally lost out after they came to Oklahoma, and 
their lands were thrown open to settlement, and al- 
though they were conceded to be as sly as a fox they 
were left holding the sack. 

The name Apache signifies ''Enemy" (refer to 
Geronimo) . 

Pawnee, in the language of the Red Man, signifies 
''A Horn" ; this name was given to them because there 
never was a Pawnee Indian known to refuse a horn of 
good whiskey. 




HOfStS 



I 



"There hain't no sich animul" 



, Chickasaw is of unknown origin, but Choctaw, In 

the language of the old timer, signifies "Flat Head." 
We have in our time known some Dutch people who 
were called flat-heads, and then there is a variety of 
cabbage that still bears that title. 

Creek was a name applied to the people of a certain 



44 Comic History of Oklahoma 

locality because their country abounded in creeks and 
streams. They are known in this day and age by their 
mixture with the freed men of their tribe and most 
of them are dark complexioned. (See appendix.) 

Seminole originally meant "A Runaway." This 
tribe was divided during the Civil War, and they first 
acquired the title when that portion of the tribe that 
was attached to the Southern Confederacy made their 
get-away at the battle of Bull Run. 

The word Comanche means "Snake," and this tribe 
drifted from the Rocky Mountain region about two 
hundred years ago. They got peeved at Texas once 
because she tried to exclude them from their old hunt- 
ing grounds and they were at outs with all the Ameri- 
can people for many years. This grudge hung on un- 
til the buffalo became extinct and they were forced to 
move onto a reservation and draw rations from the 
Great Father at Washington to keep from starving 
to death. After that they felt some better and in their 
disgust with themselves they surrendered to the Gov- 
ernment. 

Iowa means "Sleepy Ones," but we do not know 
whether this had anything to do with the naming of 
one of the states of this great Union or not. We will 
look it up at our leisure and report in the appendix. 

The Osage Indians were known to the other tribes 
as the "Washash" which no doubt meant wealthy, as 
they are reputed to be worth, on an average, about 
$25,000.00 per head. In later years John Stink has 
keen kept busy on the Lookout for his Bacon Rind and 
the Uncle Sam Oil Co. finally got the best of the deal. 

The Tonkawa tribe were cannibals and the name 



Indians 45 

signifies ''Staying together." You can draw your own 
conclusions. 

There are many other tribes in Oklahoma, but 
space forbids further discussion at this late hour, S3 
we will close the chapter by saying, "May their souls 
rest in pieces." 



A Red Skin's View of Palefaces 

When the railroads first came to Oklahoma the In- 
dian kids used to speak pieces about them. One of 
them went something like this: 

"The Locomotive is a steed most won- 
derful to view, 
He runs on wheels instead of legs. 
^ His joints all turn on iron pegs, 

His road is iron, too. 
Choo-choo, he says, choo-choo. 
Get out of my way, you Injun you, or 
Whew, I'll cut you right in two." 

They saw many other curious sights. History tells 
us that Mow-a-way, a Comanche chief captured by Gen- 
eral Getty at the head of a party of young men, was 
one of those who saw strange things. His name signi- 
fies ''Handshaker," and he must have been a politician. 
We must, therefore, take what he says with a pinch of 
salt. What he is presumed to have said is taken bodily 
from another history, and we do not care to enter into 
a controversy with the author, and Mow-a-way is dead, 
so all we ask is that this bit of hearsay be taken *'as 
you like it." His story follows verbatim et literatim, 
according to Thoburn and Holcomb : 

**I supposed when we started that the soldiers 
were taking us away off to be killed, but we traveled 
on, day after day in the wagons and were kindly 
treated. When one of the Indians was taken sick I 
supposed the white men would be glad to see him die. 



A Redskin's View of Palefaces 47 

but, instead, they doctored him and did all they could 
to cure him. 

*'When he died they did not throw him out in the 
grass for the wolves to eat, as I expected they would, 
but the commanding officer sent some men to dig a 
grave for him. They made a box and put him into it 
with all his clothes, his bow and arrows; everything 
he owned they gave him. The hole that they dug was 
the nicest one I ever saw (excuse us while we shed a 
sympathetic tear.) They made a little mound over 
him, smooth and nice. I could not understand why 
such mean people, as I thought the white people were, 
should be so kind to an Indian in sickness and after 
death. 



<o 



When we had traveled many days, we came to 
where there was a new kind of road that I had never 
heard of. There was a very large iron horse hitched 
to several houses on wheels. We were taken into one 
of them, which was the nicest house I ever saw. 

'There were seats on each side of it. As soon as 
we were seated the iron horse began to snort, and away 
he went, pulling the houses; our ponies could not run 
half so fast. It only ran a little while till it made a big 
snort and stopped at another white man's village. 

'The iron horse kept running and snorting, and 
stopping at the white man's villages, and the villages 
kept getting larger and larger. I had no idea that the 
white man had so many villages and that there were 
so many white men. At length we reached Leaven- 
worth, which was the largest of any of the villages. 
There were people so many, and land so scarce, that 
they built one house on top of another, two, three 
houses high. These houses were divided into little 



48 Comic History of Oklahoma 

houses inside. Their houses were built close together 
on both sides of the road. They were full of people, 
and the roads between the houses were full of people. 
I know not where they all came from, but I saw them 
with my own eyes. I had no idea there were so many 
white people in the world. 

''After we were taken over one of the houses built 
on top of another, we were taken into a house in the 
ground right under the other one. There was no one 
living in it, but there were barrels of foolish water in 
it. There was some of it offered to me to drink but I 
saw it made the white men foolish to drink it, and I 
was afraid to take any, for fear that I would get as 
foolish as they. 

''We were taken into a house that was built on the 
water, and could swim everywhere. It made no differ- 
ence how deep the water was it could swim. There is 
where the sugar comes from. I saw the men rolling 
great big barrels of sugar out of the house on the 
water, and so many of them. Nobody need talk to me 
about sugar being scarce after seeing the large amount 
coming out of the house that was swimming on the 
water * * *." 

***** JlJ :i; 

Now this is history and we do not attempt to dis- 
pute it; far be it from us to do such a thing on this 
auspicious occasion. But the average conversation of 
the Oklahoma Indian is not along these lines. Here is 
what they generally say when they are being trans- 
ported as this old Indian was. You who are familiar 
with the average Full Blood language can read this 
conversation, and no one will deny that it depicts the 
average : 



A Redskin's View of Palefaces 



49 



?? 



** 



?? 



** 



** 



?? 



*♦ 



7? 



?? 

• • • • • • 

Grunt. 

Then, besides, who ever heard of an Indian refus- 
ing foolish water? But this is history and as we are 
personally acquainted with' the authors we do not 
want to dispute their claim. Look at the picture of 
Mow-a-way and then tell me, gentle reader, will Jeff 
ever be as long as Mutt? 




Believe me, Jeff, some Buck 



Indian Scraps 




The Peace Pipe 

The Indians used to fight among themselves like 
naughty school children. The last scrap between the 
Cherokees and Osages took place at the Claremore 
Mound in September, 1828. 

Tachee, or ''Dutch" commanded the Cherokees, and 
the Osages were led by Chief Claremore. 

The tribes finally got together (meaning, reached 
an agreement) in their councils. The delegations oi 
Delaware, Cherokee, Seneca and Osage Indians took 
an active part, urging that their brethren of the plains 
listen to the white man's words and turn into the 
■paths of peace. 

It is but fair to state that the vote on the ratifica- 
tion of the various treaties showed barely the requi- 
site two-thirds majority. 

After they decided on peace among themselves, 
some of the tribes joined and made war on the settleis 
who journeyed along the Santa Fe trail. It is said 
that in 1847 the total loss from Indian raids on this 
trail was as follows: 

Number of persons killed, 47. 

Number of wagons destroyed, 330. 

Number of horses, mules and oxen stolen, 6500. 



Indian Scraps 51 

History fails to relate, however, the number of 
redskins that failed to answer roll call in 1848. 

Whirlwind, the great Cheyenne war chief, claims 
that one time every feather of his war bonnet was shot 
off by the bullets of the enemy, but they never touched 
him. 

It is rumored that his hide was so tough that the 
bullets glanced off. 

The Caddo Indians were never hostile to the whites 
but they ''kept company" with other Indians who were 
and the white folks got suspicious. 

A force was organized to exterminate them. The 
Caddos were forced to flee from their country, 
and we as white folks must point with pride (?) to 
the success of the undertaking. 

In 1865 the Indians of the Five Civilized Tribes 
decided to call in all the Indians, smoke the pipe of 
peace, drop all old differences and become parties to a 
peace compact. 

The following is the peace compact drawn up and 
duly signed: 

''Whereas, The history of the past admonishes 
the red man that his once great and powerful race is 
rapidly passing away as the snow beneath the summer 
sun, our people of the mighty nation of our forefathers 
many years ago having been as numerous as the 
leaves of the forest or the stars of the heavens; but. 
now, by the vicissitudes of time and change and mis- 
fortune and the evils of disunion, discord and war 
among themselves, are but a wreck of their former 
greatness ; their vast and lovely country and beautiful 
hunting grounds, abounding in all of the luxuries and 
necessities of life and happiness, given to them by the 



52 Comic History of Oklahoma 

Great Spirit, having known no limits but the shores of 
the great waters and the horizon of the heavens, is 
now, on account of our weakness, being reduced and 
hemmed into a small and precarious country that we 
can scarcely call our own, and in which we cannot re- 
main in safety and pursue our peaceful avocations, nor 
can we visit the bones and graves of our kindred, so 
dear to our hearts and sacred to our memories, unless 
we run the risk of being murdered by our more power- 
ful enemies; and, 

''Whereas, There still remain in the timbered 
country, on the plains and in the mountains, many 
bands of our people which, if united, w^ould present 
a body that would afford sufficient strength to com- 
mand respect and assert our rights. 

"Therefore, We, the Cherokees, Choctaws, Musko- 
gees, Seminoles, Chickasaw^s, Reserve Caddos, Reserve 
Osages, Reserve Comanches, comprsing the Confeder- 
ate Indian Tribes, and allies of the Confederate States 
of the First Part, and our brothers of the plains, the 
Kiowas, Arapahos, Chicagos, Chochotekas, and the 
Tenewetts, Yampankas, Mootches and Jim Pock Marks 
band of Caddos and Anadarkos, of the Second Part, 
do, for ourselves and for our peace and happiness and 
the preservation of our race, make and enter into the 
following league and compact, to-wit : 

"Article One : Peace and friendship shall forever 
exist between the tribes and bands, parties to this com- 
pact. The ancient council fires of our forefathers al- 
ready kindled by our brothers of the timbered coun- 
try shall be kept kindled and blazing by brotherly love 
until their smoke shall ascend to the spirit land to 
invoke a blessing. The tomahawk shall forever be 
buried. The scalping knife shall forever be broken. 



Indian Scraps 53 

The war path heretofore leading from one tribe to an- 
other shall grow up and become as the wild wilderness. 
The path of peace shall be opened from one tribe to 
another and kept open and traveled in friendship, so 
that it may become white and brightened as time rolls 
on, and so that our children in all time may travel no 
other road and never shall it be stained with the blood 
of our brothers. 

"Article Two : The party to this compact shall com- 
pose (as our undersigned brothers of the timbered coun- 
try of the first part already have done) an Indian con- 
federacy or band of brothers, having for its object the 
peace, the happiness and the protection of all alike and 
the preservation of our race. In no case shall the war 
path be opened to settle any difficulties or disputes that 
may hereafter arise between any of the tribes or bands, 
parties to this compact, or individuals thereof. All the 
difficulties shall be settled without the shedding of any 
blood, and, by suggestion of the chiefs and head men 
of the tribes, bands and persons interested. The motto 
and great principle of the confederacy shall be 'An In- 
dian shall not spill any Indian's blood.' 

''In testimony of our sincerity and good faith in 
entering into this compact we have smoked the (pipe of 
peace and extended to each other the hand of fellow- 
ship and exchanged the token and emblem of peace 
and friendship peculiar to our race, this 26th day of 
May, 1865." 

We have not appended the signatures to this com- 
pact for the simple reason that there is no white man 
living today who could decipher the hieroglyphics used 
by the old warriors when they put their John Henry to 
this contract so many years ago. 




54 Comic History of Oklahoma 

Kindly imagine that you 
have taken an old hen by the 
tail just after she has waded 
through a mud hole and hur- 
riedly dragged her across the 
paper, at the bottom, where 
the signatures should be, and 

Putting on the John Hancock ^^^ ^^-jj ^^^^ ^ ^^^^^^ .^^^ 

than could be portrayed by ink and type. 

It might be in order at this time to give a brief 
biography of a few of the noted Indians that helped 
make Oklahoma what it is today. 

We have previously pointed out many of the noted 
points in the character of our old friend George Guess. 
George's right name was Sequoyah and he is said to 
have been born in 1760 and died in 1844. His dad was 
a white man, his mother a Cherokee. 

Tradition has it that Nathaniel Gist, a son of 
Christopher Gist, who accompanied George Washing- 
ton on his mission to Fort Du Quesne, was his pa, but 
they never succeeded in proving it on him and the sub- 
ject was never brought up in the homes of the best peo- 
ple in after years. Read about George and his alphabet 
in the fore part of this history. 

Stand Waitie was born in Rome, Georgia, in 1815 
and died in 1877. He was a full blood Cherokee and 
was colonel of the first Cherokee regiment (Confeder- 
ate) ; was later made brigadier general in 1864. 

Jesse Chisholm was born in 1806 and died in 1863. 
He was a brother of Tahilhina Rodgers, the Cherokee 
wife of Sam Houston. He could speak fourteen differ- 
ent languages and the Chisholm Trail will long be re- 
membered by the old settlers of Oklahoma. 

Satanta is said to have been a noted speaker and a 



Indian Scraps 55 

notorious liar. When a raid was made into Texas in 
1871 the agent, a Mr. Tatum, asked what Indians had 
made the raid. 

This is the way he told it to the agent : 

''Yes, I led that raid. I have often asked for arms 

and ammunition, which have not been furnished. I 
have made many other requests which have not been 
granted. You do not listen to my talk. The white 
people are preparing to build a railroad through our 
country, which will not be permitted. Some years ago 
they took us by the hair and pulled us here close to 
Texas, where we have to fight them. More recently I 
was arrested and confined for several days, but that is 
played out now. There will never be any more Kiowa 
Indians arrested. I want you to remember that. On 
account of these grievances a short time ago I took 
about a hundred of my warriors to Texas to teach them 
how to fight. I also took the chiefs Satank, Eagle 
Heart, Big Bow, Big Tree and Fast Bear. We found 
a mule train which we captured and killed seven men. 
Two of our men were killed, too, but we are willing 
to call it even. It is all over now, and it is not necessary 
to say much more about it. We don't expect to do any 
raiding around here this summer, but we do expect to 
raid in Texas. If any other Indian claims the honor of 
leading that party he is lying to you. I led it myself." 

This" has always been considered "some speech.'' 
We expect some day to see it translated into many lan- 
guages. 

History would not be complete if we did not give a 
short account of the life of Quanah Parker. His mother 
was Cynthia Ann Parker, a white woman who, at the 
age of nine, was captured by the Comanches. She be- 
came the wife, or squaw, of the great chief. She w?vS 



56 



Comic History of OJdahoma 



Mihm]^\iimi\\, 



vn- % 



cnptured by the Texas rangers in 1860 and restored to 
her relatives but she was never satisfied and died of a 

broken heart. Quanah 
j^! S3Knng^^es^% ^;g^aEa 9KH3saigaQt^ P^ ^] was eleven years old 

when his mother was 
captured by the Ran- 
gers. He afterwards 
became a great war- 
jij rior and was very hos- 
tile to the whites. He 
finally changea ana in 
later life was a great 
worker for peace and 
happiness among his 
own people and their 
white neighbors as 
well. 

We reproduce the 
1 Lord's Prayer in 
Cherokee. Read it, 
dear friend, it may do you good. Even in the event 
you cannot understand it as it is written, you may 
get as much good out of it as some of the poor 
heathen Indians did. 

[Note. The following books not only added spice, 
but truthfulness, to the foregoing chapter : ''Oklahoma 
Charlie," by Marion Hughes; ''Between Drinks," by 
Carrie Nation ; "Why I Am Not a Red Skin," by Wal- 
ter Ferguson ; "Why They Moved the Capital," by Les- 
lie Niblack, with notes by C. N. Haskell and introduc- 
tion by Harvey Maxie.] 



^ w . ■ > . ■<■'< > 



1 .IKl', - 



, \f .■>,!. i Mr »J I 



The Opening 



At twelve o'clock, noon, on the 22nd day of April, 
1889, the signal gun was fired that gave the people per - 
mission to hike over the line and get a home if tliey 
could beat the other fellow to it, and seeing a chance 
for future misery and privation, many people were on 
hands early to avoid the rush. 

A few days before the opening some of the more 
energetic fellows eluded the officers and had already 
made their selection. Later some of them were re- 
moved by the soldiers, some by the .undertakers, and a 
few remain to this day. They are called sooners, be- 
cause they would sooner starve than work the land 
they stole from Uncle Sam, and the places bear evi- 
dence to prove this statement. 

Most of the people landed at Guthrie or near about 
there and proceeded to build a town. Guthrie was a 
flag station on April 21st, 1889, but before the sun 
went down on the next day it was a tented city of be- 
tween ten and fifteen thousand people of all kinds and 
descriptions. 

There was no semblance of law or order but, 
strange as it may seem, there was little lawlessness. 
Later, however, after a full set of officers had been se- 
lected one could not say so much in its favor. 

Some of the white folks- soon moved on to Okla- 
homa City, and a few other outlying villages, but a rem- 
nant of the original civilization still remain and in- 



58 . Comic History of Oklahoma 

habit the country on the south bank of the Cimarron. 
They are engaged in raising cotton. 

The descendants of this first influx have built sev- 
eral flourishing little cities throughout the state. 
Among them we might mention Muskogee, the home oi 
Crazy Snake and C. N. Haskell; Tishomingo, where 
the wife of Bill Murray holds forth when he is off at 
Washington; Tulsa, made famous by the Renter case 
and the fact that Tate Brady and all his friends down 
there wear cotton sox ; and McAlester, the home of the 
State prisoners. 

Other towns, like Boley, Langston, Dewey and 
Skiatook, came into prominence during the capital lo- 
cation fight, because they wanted the New Jerusalem 
located within the city limits. 

Shawnee at one time had the same bee in her bon- 
net, but it is not safe to mention it in the presence of 
any of her citizens since Harve Maxie left. We will 
give a more detailed description of the various towns 
later on. (See appendix.) 

After a while the country began to settle up in 
earnest and a call was made for a convention to meet 
at Guthrie for the purpose of forming a Territorial 
Government. This gathering reminded one of a Popu- 
list convention and it broke up in a great row because 
every delegate wanted to be the first Territorial Gov- 
ernor. 

Two or three other conventions were called later 
on, but the delegates finally gave up in disgust and 
went home after first drinking the town dry. 

Some time afterwards they did meet again in 
earnest and drafted a memorial to Congress. The Sec- 



The Opening 59 

retary wasn't much interested in this Territorial busi- 
ness and he forgot to make a report on it. 

After about a year President Harrison appointed 
George W. Steele Governor of Oklahoma Territory. 
Now, Steele was a Hoosier and the Oklahoma folks 
thought that they had some one among the home folks 
who was good enough to be Governor, therefore this 
appointment did not give general satisfaction, but the 
people had to stand for it anyway. 

About the only thing he did of interest during his 
term was to veto the Capital Removal Bill that came 
before him that fall. Oklahoma City never did like 
George after that. Later on in this history you will 
find where another First Governor of Oklahoma failed 
to veto a Capital Removal Bill, anl thereby hangs a tale. 

Be it said to George's credit that he never did like 
the job of being Governor, so after eighteen months of 
strife he did the whole thing up in a neat package and 
handed it to A. J. Seay. It was at this time that 
Dennis Flynn came into prominence. We do not know 
whether this had anything to do with it or not, but any- 
way Grover saw fit to remove the Governor, so he 
paid him off and hired W. C. Renfrow. 

Renfrow come from Norman, and some time after 
this the State asylum was located there. Bill was not 
interested in this asylum business, however, for he 
owned the bank. The principal event during his reign 
was the opening of the Cherokee outlet and people 
came from far and near to see the ''Cherokee Strip." 
Many of them went back home sorely disappointed. 

Note the sentiment of the times as expressed in 
this little poetic gem. The children used to sing it to 
the tune of ''After the Ball." Try it on your piano. 



60 Comic History of Oklahoma 

''After the strip is open, 

After your money's all spent, 
Sorry I have to leave you, 

Sorry I ever went. 
Many's the sucker'll be wailing, 

Many will lose their grip, 
Many a man will wish he's hung. 

When coming from the strip." 

This was the first spasm of the spell, and it is 
hard to say what would have happened if there had 
been another spasm. Some say that McCabe wrote 
this song, but we are not sure on that point. 

[If you do not know who McCabe was, see appen- 
dix.] 

In spite of all this trouble, Renfrow held his office 
for the full term of four years, then C. M. Barnes for 
four years. Barnes' administration is responsible for 
the oil find in Oklahoma, and many farmers now have 
barns who had none before. 

He soon turned the business over to W. M. Jen- 
kins. This was during the reign of the ''Big Stick," 
and it fell heavily on Mr. Jenkins, and Teddy then 
appointed Mr. and Mrs. T. B. Ferguson as governor. 

Just before this awhile, Colonel Roosevelt was 
down in this neck of the woods looking for rough rid- 
ers and picked troops D, L and M from Oklahoma and 
Indian Territory. Thus the Oklahoma boys in blue 
helped to make a Governor of New York, a President 
of the United States and a "heap" of trouble for the 
Republican party when the Bull Moose baby was born. 
As it is not our policy to speak disrespectfully of the 
dead, we will say no more about this Bull Moose baby 
in this history. 

During the reign of the Fergusons, Snyder was 



The Opening 



61 



visited by a violent windstorm that wiped tlie town al- 
most off the map. 




Some of the inhabitants blamed this on the Gov- 
ernor and others blamed it on the President, but they 
never proved it on either of them and they both held 
on to their office longer than they were expected to. 
Finally Frank Frantz succeeded in jarring Tom loose. 

Frank was a Rough Rider, but a good fellow in 
spite of it. He stuck to the job until there was noth- 
ing left to hold to. 

After this hold slipped he tried to be the first real 
Governor of Oklahoma, but ''nothing* doing" because 
Frank was a Republican. I say was because when the 
Bull Moose baby was born he— But there, I promised 
not to say any more about that kid. 

During the first few years of Oklahoma statehood 
the Republicans had no more show of electing a state 



62 



Comic History of Oklahoma 



officer than the proverbial snow ball had of not melt- 
ing. You know very well that was a hot chance. 

Associated with Frank Frantz was Amos Ewing, 



OBLIVION 




While there's grip, there's hope 



the best looking poker player that ever came down the 
pike. Charley Filson was secretary of state and he 
used to beg Frank for weeks to go on a hunting trip 
so that he could be acting governor and on such occa- 
sions he used to swell up like a poisoned puppy and 
pass us common dubs up cold. 

We first hear of Marion Hughes about this time. 
He came to Oklahoma when he was younger and some- 
what better looking than he is now, but he moved to 
Arkansas soon afterwards, where he lived in the sticks 
for three years and when he returned he wrote the 
history of his sojourn while there and called the book 
''Three Years in Arkansas." He tried to get this 
book adopted by the state for use in the public schools 
as a guide for morals and manners, but when the mat- 
ter came up for consideration the Society for the Pre- 



The Opening 63 

vention of Cruelty voted against it and it was never 
adopted. 

Bird McGuire came to Oklahoma in 1895 and has 
held office ever since. He is the only Republican that 
has been able to fool all the people all the time. The 
only way to get rid of him will be to dispense with 
the office. 

Thus ends the story of the Territory during the 
eighteen years just prior to statehood. It is to be 
hoped that those who read this story will believe every 
word of it, for we are reminded right here and now to 
stop and thank our friend John Golobie for his little 
volume entitled, "What Makes the Stink Bug Stink." 
Many of the facts in the foregoing chapter were taken 
bodily from this valuable and truthful volume. 

Another valuable asset that gave us a vast fund 
of information was Bill Murray's pamphlet on "Why is 
a Nigger." 



Summary 



Governors of Oklahoma Territory. 



Name Term Began 

George W. Steele.May 15th, 1890 

A. J. Seay Jan. 18, 1892 

W. C. Renfrew... May 6, 1893 
C. M. Barnes. . . . .May 12, 1897 
T. B. Ferguson. . .Nov. 30, 1901 
Frank Frantz Jan. 10, 1906 



How Terminated 

Resigned 
Removed 
Resigned 
Term expired 
Term expired 
Statehood 



On the opposite page you will find the pictures of 
these noted statesmen as they appeared while they 
were acting as Governor. 



1 



statehood 

After fourteen years of turmoil and strife, Con- 
gress finally passed what is known as the Omnibus 
Bill, but it died in infancy. Some say it was crowded 
out by extreme pressure of business, and some say it 
was sold out, but everybody knows that Oklahoma con- 
tinued to stay out. 

In 1905 the Five Civilized Tribes decided to make 
a state of their own out of the old Indian Territory 
and ignore that part of the world known as Oklahoma 
Territory. They intended to call the new state Sequo- 
yah. A constitution was framed alright, but on the 
day that it came up before the people for ratification 
the fishing was good, and many of the voters could 
not get to the polls so it failed to receive the necessary 
number of Votes to make it binding and the whole 
blamed thing went by default. 

Now, the only thing that ever came of this Se- 
quoyah convention was that it brought many an un- 
known ''Hill Billie" out of the sticks and put him to 
the front politically. (See appendix.) 

In June, 1906, Congress passed an Enabling Act 
that would allow the people of both Indian Territory 
and Oklahoma Territory to form a constitution and 
make application to come into the Union under one 
head. As all former constitutions failed to pass to the 
third reading, there was a little hesitancy on the part 
of some to undertake the job again. 

Now, this Enabling Act provided that no booze 
could be sold in that part of the country known as In- 
dian Territory for twenty-one years. This made the 



statehood 67 

people on the east side so peeved that when they got a 
whack at it they voted the same hardship on the people 
of the west side; this made Oklahoma so dry that in 
some parts of the state it hasn't rained since. 

There was another clause in the act locating the 
capital at Guthrie until 1913. Now, as far as the cap- 
ital was concerned it needed no locating, for it had 
been at Guthrie for some time, but anyway they lo- 
cated it, or thought they did, but every one with com- 
mon sense knows that thirteen is an unlucky number 
and there was more or less contention on the capital 
question for some time. 

There were a few other clauses in this Enabling 
Act, but no one paid much attention to them and they 
have been forgotten. 

An election was called soon after this to choose 
delegates to a convention to write a constitution and 
everybody wanted the job. Some of the aspirants 
were sorely disappointed after the ballots were 
counted and have never been heard from since, while 
the scattering few who were successful were heard 
from occasionally after they landed in the convention. 

This convention met in the city hall at Guthrie 
and chose the Honorable William H. Murray of Tisho- 
mingo as chairman. Some of the good people of Okla- 
homa know him better as Cockle-Burr Bill, and some 
as Alfalfa Bill, but he is the same good-natured Bill 
by any other name. His father, they claim, was a 
noted Confederate soldier, but during the last few 
years of his life he wore a Union Suit. This made no 
difference with Bill, however, and he is not a bit stuck 
up. 

His first official act after he was chosen president 
of the convention was to order a sign, which he tacked 



68 



Comic History of Oklahoma 



on the door of the official water closet, barring the 
niggers from using it in conjunction with the white 
delegates, especially those of Democratic faith. 




The First Jim Crow sign in Oklahoma 



The convention then got down to business and the 
first two or three weeks was taken up in a discussion 
as to whether they should use the words ''Almighty 
God" or ''Supreme Ruler of the Universe" in the pre- 
amble. After this was finally settled they proceeded to 
draft the Jim Crow law and a few other clauses ; also, 
some good, some bad and still others indifferent and it 
is charged that one of the Republican delegates voted 
for the Jim Crow law, but he never wanted his name to 
be known in the deal. 

During the progress of the work they had many 



statehood 



69 



warm discussions and on one particular occasion they 
tossed ink bottles back and forth at each other. They 
claim that the trouble started when Haskell sounded 
the Fire Alarm. Anyway, Baker resented something 
Haskell said and the big thing came off right away. 

Taken as a whole, though, they might be consid- 
ered a very tame bunch. 

After they completed their work they sent it to 
Teddy to sign, and put on his stamp of approval, but 
he pronounced it ''punk" and said that what his opinion 
was would not do to print. 




VOU WAKT 
TO KNOW 
VMHOS^ BOJJ 
STAT^T 

'jOM'tTHlNG' 




Dis — Ousted 



He signed it, anyway; some say that he thought 
that it would fail to pass muster when it came before 
the people for adoption but they put one over on him 
that time and adopted it by a large majority. 

Henry Asp, one of the dozen Republicans that had 
no say in the forming of this constitution, had sub- 
mitted a minority report in lieu of the regular consti- 
tution, but this red book did not prove very popular 
and he never received much on the royalty when it was 
put on the market. 

The original document was discussed pro and con, 
and there were many things brought up both for and 



70 Comic History of Oklahoma 

against it. Some thought that it had been hurriedly 
written. They argued that a document of such enor- 
mous length could hardly be properly written in such 
a short space of time by only one hundred Democrats 
and twelve Republicans, but as the members of the con- 
vention had been w^orking overtime, anyway, for sev- 
eral weeks, without pay, they submitted it as it was 
and all the Democrats and some of the other people 
voted for it with the result as above stated. 

As the eastern part of the State was to be dry for 
21 years anyway, the most important question on 
the western side was prohibition. Some thought 
that it would be better to have it as it had been, that 
is, to continue the open saloons ; others thought that it 
would be better to have it as it had been on the east 
side for so many years and let the booze business con- 
tinue in the hands of the bootleggers and others who 
could secure a government license. 

In this way, they argued, we could do away with 
the saloon keeper who was continually flaunting his ill- 
gotten gains in the face of his poor unfortunate neigh- 
bors, and put the business in the hands of a class of 
individuals that were no good to the community, any- 
way. This would help keep the jails and prisons full, 
and besides it would give a number of citizens a good 
chance to break the law. When the people wanted a 
drink they could get nothing but rot-gut whiskey or 
hop ale, and this ought to be enough to make any 
right-minded citizen quit drinking. 

The country wide was divided on the issue, those 
in favor of the saloons were dubbed the "wets" and 
were headed by Jake Weinberger of Guthrie and the 
brewery at Oklahoma City. 

Those who were in favor of the bootlegger propo- 



statehood 



71 



sition were called the *'drys" and were headed by 
Carrie Nation of Guthrie (since deceased). 

It was a bitter fight, but the "drys" won out, 
and on the night that the drought went into 
effect some of the boys tried to lay in a sup- 
ply that would do them 
during the dry spell that 
was slated for twenty-one 
years. 

As soon as they had 
disposed of a part of the 
booze that was on hand, 
they saw what an enor- 
mous waste of liquor 
would result if the same 
policy was continued, so 
they created what was 
known as a morgue for 
contraband liquor. Some 
of the people dubbed this 
a dispensary because they 
claimed that the officers 
sent out a few barrels to 
the different drug stores 
throughout the country 
that had secured a govern- 
ment license and then pro- 
ceeded to dispense with the rest of it themselves. 

Thus after the dispensary employes had dis- 
pensed with the most of the stuff in the dispensary, 
the governor was asked to dispense with the dis- 
pensary, which he did, and then in a year or so the 
people dispensed with the governor — and this put an 
end to the dispensary business, but it had no such 
an effect on the booze business. 




H ATe He T^ 



'It's no lie. I did it with my 
hatchet" 



72 Comic History of Oklahoma 

It has been known to make its appearance in some 
localities at Christmas time, but as we are not posted 
on the subject we will refrain from discussing it at 
length in this chapter. (See appendix.) 

[Note. It is with gratitude that we acknowledge 
information for the foregoing chapter from "The 
Chickasaw Indian and Her Chicks," by Frank Frantz, 
ex-Governor of Oklahoma ; ''How We Get the People^s 
Money," by S. H. Kress & Co.] 



The First Legislature 

Charles N. Haskell was elected Governor, defeat- 
ing Frank Frantz, the Republican nominee, by a large 
majority (the reason has already been given). He 
made a fairly good Governor, but Guthrie never did 
like him and to this day they are not on very friendly 
terms. Some say it is because Haskell never liked 
Guthrie on account of the complexion of most of the 
Republicans about the time he was elected. That 
seemed to get on his nerves somewhat and he gave 
the town a dig every chance he got ; the best chance 
he ever got was when the people voted the capital to 
Oklahoma City. When the votes were counted after 
the capital location election it was found that Okla- 
homa City had received 192,261 ; Guthrie 31,801, and 
Shawnee 8,382. 

Haskell got in a hurry as soon as he heard the 
news and moved his office and the state seal to Okla- 
homa City. 

The good people of Guthrie insisted that although 
they had lost the capital by popular vote, the Enabling 
Act had designated the location in their burg until 
1913, and that no difference what might be voted by 
the people, the change could not be made until that 
time. Whether they were right or wrong, the capital 
was moved between days, and for a time a part of 
the offices were at Guthrie and the rest of them at 
Oklahoma City. In time things settled down some- 
what and the entire state force was moved to the city. 
They are still there, cooped up in rented quarters 
in different parts of the city and the state is still pay- 



> 

CO 
M 

r 
r 

O 

O 

K 
>— I 

Cfi 

o 
o 




The First Legislature 



75 



ing rent. You will hear more of this state capital 
business later on. 

The two chosen senators found it necessary to 
decide between themselves which should hold office 
for the short term and which one of the two should 
have the long term. The decision, so we understand, 
was left to the length of a straw, and as Gore could 
not see as well as the other senator, he of course got 
the short straw and the short term. 




GORE GOT THE 

■' S HORT T£R W" 

"Heads I win; tails you lose" 



It is needless to say that Bob denies the charge. 
Gore succeeded in foohng the people, as he says, 
and was re-elected to succeed himself. 

He says he would rather be senator from Okla- 
homa than from any other State in the Union, be- 
cause the Oklahoma people are the only ones that 
have the good sense to send him to Congress. 

He points out the fact that he has secured suf- 
ficient appropriations to pay his salary for more than 



76 Comic History of Oklahoma 

a hundred years, and promises faithfully that he will 
resign at the end of that time, or secure other appro- 
priations. 

Some folks would rather have him resign than 
take chances on him any longer. 

The First Legislature extended over a period of 
five months. No one remembers what they did ex- 
cept originate a school book steal, and ever since there 
has been more or less trouble w4th the people in 
charge. A few years ago they attempted to make 
another change in the school books, and Bob Wilson 
put a chunk of djmamite under the proposition and 
the thing blew up. 

About this time the state was overrun with real 
estate men. They platted Oklahoma City for thirty 
miles beyond civilization and sold the lots to eastern 
speculators at fabulous prices, and then tried to fool 
the people into believing that they were going to pool 
the boodle and build a capitol building. To those who 
are not well posted on this issue we will state that 
they failed to connect, but other arrangements have 
been made and the capitol building is well under way 
at this time. The money is coming from a different 
source, however. 

We must give the real estate men credit for one 
thing, and that is, they brought much capital into 
Oklahoma and allowed very little of it to get away 
again. Very few of them have ever dared to come 
before the people seeking office, but we have it from 
the records that a great many of them get their mail 
at McAlester since Statehood, for the term real estate 
dealer, in Oklahoma, is a synonym for grafter, and 
the specie is not extinct at this late date. 



The First Legislature 



77 



The Grandfather Clause of the Constitution was 
born about this time, and a great many Republican 
voters were affected thereby. Many of them were 
forced to give up their franchise because they could 
neither read nor write or because their granddaddy 
before them had never exercised the right of fran- 
chise. Some of the good people of the State contend 
that this is not right, while others say that some of 
the white women have just as much voting sense as 
a few of the colored brothers who are allowed to vote. 
The suffrage question is a hard nut to crack. 




Back, female specie, how dare you intrude. "Twenty-three for you" 



By redistricting the State and disfranchising 
some of the colored population, the Democrats were 
enabled to carry things with a high hand and to their 
entire satisfaction, but Oklahoma continued to prosper 
in spite of it. 

Fishing and hunting was a favorite sport during 
the First Legislative period. Some of the politicians 
have been kept so busy at this occupation that they 



78 



Comic History of Oklahoma 



have had time for very little else and at times it looked 
as if the things would go to the bowwows or some 
other seaport, but we have weathered the blast ana 
the divorce mills have been kept busy most of the 
time, and the high cost of living has taken hold with a 
firm grip, and race suicide looms up in the foreground. 

About this time Crazy Snake attempted to re- 
establish the old Creek customs. He and his nephew 
each carried concealed weapons and were a menace to 
the peace and dignity of the commonwealth. 

This gave the sensational newspapers a chance to 
fill their coffers with filthy lucre and they so excited 
the people back East that they were afraid to go to 
bed at night without covering up their heads. 

Colonel Roy Hoffman, with something less than a 
million men, well armed and equipped with all the other 

accoutrements of war, was 
hurried to the seat of trou- 
ble. He had orders from the 
Governor to surround Crazy 
Snake and his crazy nephew 
and carry them off into cap- 
tivity. Roy surrounded the 
whole Creek Nation and then 
allowed the Crazy Snakes to 
crawl away unmolested be- 
fore the audience were fairly 
seated. 

Some time after this Roy was threatened with a 
law suit by the moving picture concern that was to 
take a picture of the battle scene. 

Crazy Snake's real name was Chitto Harjo, but 
he was registered on the rolls as Wilson Jones. 

And thus the story of Oklahoma goes on, nearly 



eooy 




'Me for the tall timber" 



The First Legislature 



79 



everybody having fun about the country except the 
people who have to hve here. They have been kept 
so busy paying their taxes of late that they have had 
very little time for anything else, and a part of the 
country has suffered thereby. 

In 1907 there was a money panic, and 
those who had money in the bank could not 

get it out, and those 
who had none in 
there made the most 
fuss about it. Busi- 
ness conditions were 
therefore not mate- 
rially affected — 
neither was the au- 
thor. 

Shin plasters 
were used for money, 
and the man who had 
a ten-dollar bill had 
to guard it with a 

"Coin of the Realm" sliotgun. 

After the people got reconciled to the way that 
Haskell was running things they settled down to busi- 
ness and soon the country was agitating a new set 
of officers. The Constitution of Oklahoma provides 
that no Governor may succeed himself, and so the 
honor is passed on every four years. 

Cruce was nominated by the Democrats after a 
hard-fought battle in the primaries, for to get the 
Democratic nomination meant almost certain election, 
and the Republicans nominated Joe McNeal, better 
known as "Uncle Joe," of Guthrie. 

Now, as we have before stated, there were but 




80 



Comic History of Oklahoma 



very few Republicans left in Oklahoma after the 
Democrats got the Grandfather Clause and a few 
other tricks to working to their satisfaction, and 
Cruce won out by a large majority, and it is said on 
good authority that he made the most ladylike Gov- 
ernor that Oklahoma ever had. 

Soon after the election of Cruce, several of the 
Rough Riders visited Cuba and camped on the old 
stamping ground where Teddy led his charge up San 
Juan Hill, and they say that the civilization of Cuba 
has lurched forward wonderfully since the boys in 
blue visited it the first time, and that the American 
soldier left his imprint on the customs, manners and 
complexions of the future generations of natives wher- 
ever the flag was carried. 

In 1910 the population of the State was 1,657,155, 
and taken as a whole the Oklahoma citizens compare 




"This world, and then another, and then comes the ftreworks" 

favorably with those of other States. Some try to 
live on their reputations, some try to live cloivn their 
reputations, and some of them try to live up to their 
reputations, while some of them have nothing to live 



The First Legislature 81 

for at all, and shoot into their heads to let the trouble 
out. They very seldom live to tell the story. 

During Cruce's administration the country was 
overrun with punch boards and slot machines. They 
came from far and near and appeared in all sizes, 
shapes and previous conditions of use and misuse. 
They were to be found on the counters of every little 
store in every little village and hamlet in the entire 
State. 

To work one of these machines, known to the 
•world at large as a slot machine, the citizens, old and 
young, have their weekly pay checks changed into 
nickels, and they then form a circle around the slot 
machine and drop their nickels in, one at a time. 

The first man who disposes of all his nickels is 
considered out of the game, and he goes home to his 
starving wife and children and explains how he was 
held up and robbed. So the game continues until 
everybody has dropped in all his nickels, and in time 
the owner of the slot machine becomes very rich. 

Those who are crowded out punch on the punch 
board, which is a game ''after me own heart,'' as some 
might say. Now, for the benefit of an innocent public, 
I will endeavor to explain the way in which this punch 
board game is conducted. 

You take a thin board about a foot wide by two 
feet long and punch or bore a thousand holes in it, 
about the size of a lead pencil. 

Now, take a piece of polkadot paper and paste 
over the front, being sure that the dot on the paper 
comes directly over a hole in the board. From the 
back you stick in a few numbers in some of the holes, 
and then fill the rest of the holes with blank pieces 
of paper. 



82 Comic History of Oklahoma 

Cover the back with a piece of blank paper. 

To play the board, the victim walks up to the 
proprietor of the establishment and plunks down a 
dollar, and then he literally punches the stuffing out 
of ten of the holes. Then, if he has another dollar, 
he punches out ten more holes, and so he continues 
until all his money is gone. 

After awhile the next sucker arrives on the scene 
and punches out a number that wins a lead pencil, 
and he then gives his place to another who is attracted 
by his good fortune. This guy plunks down a thin- 
dime and pokes out the number that wins the Septem- 
ber Morn pennant the first crack. He is considered 
a lucky dog, and is forced to stand treats to all the 
boys in the house. The punching is then in full blast 
and the game continues until some one punches out 
the number that wins the Ingersoll watch, and every- 
body goes home for the night. 

This was one of the greatest sports known to the 
inhabitants along about this time, but the Governor 
ordered all the above mentioned contrivances hid 
under the counters during the time that the grand 
jury was in session, but they were brought out again 
as soon as that scare was over, and, as the old saying 
is, **The old world still wags." 

Early in 1914 the dancing craze broke loose in the 
State, and in a very short time nearly the entire com- 
monwealth w^as exposed to the tango bug. It looked 
for awhile as if he had bitten the entire population. 

The artist was very fortunate in getting a snap- 
shot of one of the modern ballrooms last Christmas, 
and we give you the results of the exposure without 
comment. 



84 Comic History of Oklahoma 

When the Mexican war was just getting well 
under way the Universal Peace Commission had a 
heated discussion in the Eastern Hemisphere and de- 
clared a universal war. 

This war did not affect the people of Oklahoma 
directly, as few of them were drafted, but oil had gone 
down without any apparent reason, and this war 
business gave the ''Standard" and its allies the excuse 
they were looking for, and they immediately laid the 
price reduction at the door of the Eastern War De- 
partment. 

Cotton was almost unsalable, and cotton socks 
were a mark of distinction, for, "buy a bale of cotton 
and make it into socks" was the cry of our friend, Tate 
Brady, and in every little village in the State cotton 
clubs were organized to keep the people from selling 
for less than ten cents. 

This war had a different effect on sugar and other 
articles of food. Sugar had been selling at twenty 
pounds for a dollar, but it went to ten cents straight; 
beans sold by the dozen, and onions by the smell. 

The hens got peeved at something the people said 
about them and refused to bear fruit, and in a short 
time eggs were served for dessert, but only at the 
highest priced cafes. At most houses grub was scarce, 
and clothing thin, but, strange as it may seem, at som.e 
of the highest toned places the clothing was the 
thinnest. 

What it was all about was the question, and we 
have solved it in this way: The first thing was that 
a Servian Socialist got drunk and killed an Austrian 
nobleman and his escort (or maybe it was his con- 
sort) ; anyway, it was some sort. 

Austria then got hot under the collar over the 
incident and said to Servia: 



The First Legislature 85 

"See here, now, we don't want any of that rough 
stuff. I want to be a father to you. Come into the 
woodshed.'' 

Russia was peeking through the fence when she 
heard the conversation, and seeing what was going on, 
said to Austria: 

"Don't you dare touch that ch-ei-ld; he's my kid, 
and, anyway, you'd make a hell of a lookin' daddy." 

"You've got another think a-coming," answered 
Austria. "I don't like the color of your eyes, any- 
how, and your feet don't track besides, and I can lick 
you with one hand tied." 

"Bully boy!" says Wilhelm to Austria. "If you 
can't lick him I can, and, by gosh, I'll do it. I can 
lick anybody; I can lick everybody. We'll take him 
on together." So Germany slips up on France when 
she ain't looking and lands with both feet in the middle 
of Belgium. 

"Get off'n my belly," says Belgium, "or I'll bite 
your leg off!" 

"Ouch!" says Germany, "but I'll get off when I 
get ready." 

"That's not fair," said France. "Take that, you 
slob!" handing Germany a hot one on the snout. 

"I hate a scrap," says England, "but I can smash 
the jaw of the guy that slaps my friend." 

"You don't hate it worser nor I do," says Japan, 
as she squares off for a hand in the game. 

"Well, I guess you started it, anyhow," says Wil- 
helm to Nick. 

Just then everybody begins to yell : "You started 
it yourself," and each one sticks out his tongue at the 
other fellow and they all clinch, and the little fellows 
begin to dance around watching for a chance to get 



86 



Comic History of Oklahoma 



in a punch and run, and that is what started all the 
trouble. 




By gosh, I believe that's the right dope 



Taken altogether, Cruce's administration was a 
thoroughly upright and honest one, so far as it was 
possible for it to be, after his party had drifted into 
corruptness owing to the "security in office" slogan 
that hacl been adopted soon after Statehood. His 
platform was useful in helping the partj^ to get 
aboard, but was of no use after they landed a seat. 

In the spring of 1914 a terrible calamity was nar- 
rowly averted when a bunch of Oklahoma horse 
traders broke loose in Tulsa and wanted to bet on a 
horse race that was going to be pulled off one day. 
The Governor sent out almost the entire militia force 
of the State to prevent pulling off any stunts 
like that. His brave soldiers in blazing uniforms and 
well oiled carbines prevented the horrible disaster 
without losing a single man. Many a good old deacon 
praised the Governor for his manly stand, while they 
drank his health to the tune of bootleg whiskey. 

In the fall of the same year about a dozen of 
Oklahoma's most prominent citizens decided that they 
would enter the race for the Governorship. The con- 
test in the primaries was very close. Mud slinging 
was a favorite pastime among the Democrats, and it 
is said upon good authority that all classes of people 



The First Legislature 



87 



were represented among the candidates. Bankers, 
lawj^ers, farmers, train robbers and old bachelors. 
Each of them promising, if nominated, to carry the 
banner of Democracy to victory. The Honorable 
Robert L. Williams was the successful candidate. 

In the fall election he won over the Republican 
candidate by a somewhat smaller majority than the 
former Democratic candidates on previous occasions 
of this character; but, however small the majority, 
''Our Bob" was successful. 

On January 5, 1915, the Fifth Legislature of 
Vie State of Oklahoma convened in Oklahoma 
City, with the Hon. M. E. Trapp presiding in 
the Senate after January 12. On that day 

"Our Bob" was presid- 
ing in the "Old School 
House," then used for 
the Governor's office, in 
the absence of the prom- 
ised capitol building. 

The results of this 
administration can not 
be determined at this 
time, but we predict 
that he will be at least 
the third best Governor 
that the State of Okla- 
homa ever had. On this 
topic it is time for us to 
shut up, so we will close 
this chapter. Let us 
raise pur voices in 
praise of Oklahoma and 
its future. 




EVEN WHEN BOT A I3AQ^ 

"The voiceithat raised father' 



Summary 



Prosperity attracted no attention whatever during 
the fore part of 1914; oil had gone from 42 cents to 
more than a dollar per barrel. Wheat and corn 
brought a good price, and cotton soared far above the 
high-water mark. 

Rot-gut whiskey sold for a dollar a pint and hard 
to get at that. Blue Ribbon was worth 35 cents 
a pint, and, on the whole, everything was booming. 

Race suicide had been almost entirely wiped out 
in some localities, and babies were ''still born." 




A grist from the divorce mill 



The divorce evil was fast becoming a thing of 
the past, but there were a few more that should have 
been issued, and in time they will be. 



Summary 89 

Crime had been dealt a crushing blow by the 
strong arm of the law, but it had survived the on- 
slaught and bid fair to break out in a new place worse 
than ever. The country wide was soon awakened to 
the fact, however, that the high cost of living was a 
serious proposition, and then the fall election and the 
war in Europe landed ail at once and at the same time. 
The outcome has been verj^ disastrous to many. 

[Note. It is with heartfelt sympathy that we in- 
form the reader that a part of this chapter was taken 
bodily from ''The Ways of the Tumblebug," by A. S. 
Koonce of Bartlesville, Oklahoma. The rest of the 
chapter was taken from a little pamphlet entitled 
'The Hen and Her Husband," by T. A. Latta of the 
Oklahoma City Times.] 



Counties and County Seat History 

ADAIR. 

Adair County was named after an old Cherokee 
family. Stillwell used to be the county seat, and the 
first county weigher was the Honorable J. B. Johnson ; 
he was a good democrat and may be yet and if he had 
not been, he could never have been elected. 

In 1907 the county seat was changed to Westville. 
We forgot to mention that J. B. Johnson was also 
County Superintendent. We are not sure whether the 
two offices were one and the same or not, but will in- 
vestigate and report in the appendix, but some folks 
say that we had better cut out the appendix. 

ALFALFA. 

Alfalfa County was named in honor of a weed of 
the same name, and it is hinted that this weed was dis- 
covered by a prominent statesman of Oklahoma who 
afterwards bore the name. 

There is another county in the State named Mur- 
ray, or this history would no doubt relate that this 
county was named in honor of the president of the 
Constitutional Convention. 

Cherokee is the county seat and the seat of intelli- 
gence is in the office of the Cherokee Republican. 

ATOKA. 

Atoka County was named after Captain Atoka, a 
full blood Choctaw. Their principal crops are coal and 
asphalt, but they have no paved streets and the citi- 
zens burn wood. They had a hotel there at one time, 



Counties and County Seat History 91 

but the bedbugs carried it away, and then they built 
another near the depot and this one has proved much 
better. 

BEAVER. 

Beaver County was originally a part of *'No Man's 
Land." Beaver is the county seat, named after Beaver 
Creek, which in turn was named so from the fact that 
there never was a beaver in that part of the country 
and some feeble minded citizen, desiring to perpetuate 
the name, called it Beaver Creek. 

It is said that some of the people who live in Bea- 
ver County have to work like beavers to make a living. 

BECKHAM. 

Sayre is the county seat of Beckham County.. 

The county was named in honor of a Kentucky 
Governor and since then the county has always gone 
Democratic. The old Governor has never visited his 
namesake since prohibition went into effect. 

BLAINE. 

Watonga is the county seat and the home of Ex- 
Governor T. B. Ferguson. It was named in honor of 
James G. Blaine, and the records show that he. died a 
short time afterwards. His heirs never instituted a 
damage suit, and the county still prospers. 

Whether or not this had anything to do with Mr. 
Blaine's demise, was never threshed out by the courts. 

BRYAN. 

Durant is the county seat. Some say this county 
was named after a noted Nebraska lecturer who would 
rather talk than eat. 

Durant is not a healthful place for the descendants 
of the African civilization of ''befo de wah" times and 



92 Comic History of Oklahoma 

the republicans are all lily-white. Once upon a time 
— But there, we promised not to mention it. 

CADDO. 

Anadarko is the county seat of this thriving little 
community and Nettie Daniels, a good Democrat — al- 
though she never voted the Democratic ticket — was the 
first County Superintendent after statehood. 

The people of Caddo County are mostly farmers 
and the country is therefore ccmparatively wealthy, 
and is noted for its honesty. 

CANADIAN. 

El Reno is the county seat. The whole country is 
watered by the Canadian river, and at times the people 
suffer terribly for want of pure water. Clyde Mathews 
used to be Register of Deeds, but he has a better job 
now. 

CARTER. 

Ardmore is the capital. 

The county was named in honor of the father of 
the Diamond X Ranch of the Chickasaw nation many 
years before this. 

The home of the Ringling Brothers' Circus in win- 
ter is located near here, which helps to keep the town 
on the map. At one time Governor Cruce claimed this 
town as his residence. 

CHEROKEE. 

Tahlequah is the county seat. It was for a long- 
time the old Indian capital, but the white folks be- 
sieged it many years ago and have now taken it. 

The county was named in honor of the Indian 
tribe that inhabited the country for years. 



n 



Counties ajid County Seat History 93 

The "Cherokee Advocate" was born here many 
years ago. 

CHOCTAW. 
Hugo, the county seat, has had a strenuous time 
keeping this distinction, but at last reports all was 
quiet along the border. 

The county was named in honor of the Indian 
tribe of the same name. 

CIMARRON. 

Boise City is the county seat. 

Cimarron county is the very west-most part of 
Oklahoma, and was the last slice taken from "No 
Man's Land." Gold mining has never been one of the 
principal businesses. 

The farmers raise a few cattle, but like their 
neighbors of Beaver county, they wish it had been left 
as "No Man's Land," but it is too late to kick now. 

CLEVELAND. 

This county was named after Grover. Norman is 
the county seat, and the State Asylum and the State 
University are both located there. Thus Cleveland 
county is well equipped to take care of its population, 
both young and old. 

COAL. 

Coalgate is the county seat. 

The county derives its name from a dark colored 
substance resembling coal that is shipped out from. 
Coalgate by the train loads. 

Most of this mineral is sent out of the State and 
sold at an enormous price, after the long and short 
freight haul is added to the cost of production. 



94 Comic History of Oklahoma 

This coal could be used in Oklahoma; in fact it is 
needed here, but the Interstate Commerce Commission 
has made it almost impossible to deliver this coal 
within the limits of the State. 

COMANCHE. 

Lawton is the county seat. 

This county was named by congress, and as the 
county is well adapted to stock raising, you will find a 
few of the citizens are w^hat folks back east call "cow- 
punchers." They are tame now and might be consid- 
ered trusties. 

Fort Sill is located near here and has been the 
home of old Geronimo for many years, but he died 
some time ago and the old timers who used to know 
him in his boyhood are resting easier. ■, 

CRAIG. 

Vinita is the county seat. 

Craig County was named in honor of a rich banker 
of McAlester and it takes after its namesake, in that 
it is one of the richest counties from a farming stand- 
point in that part of the State. 

CREEK. 

Sapulpa is the county seat; commonly pronounced 
Sap-a-lou. 

This county was first named Moman, in honor of 
Moman Pruitt, a lawyer of Oklahoma City, but some 
folks got sore at him over some trivial matter and had 
the name changed. Moman Pruitt has never con- 
sented to live in the county since and the community 
has suffered thereby. 



Counties and County Seat History 95 

CUSTER. 
Arapaho is the county seat. 

The county was named after General Custer, and 
the Republicans elected a man by the name of Smith 
as county weigher in 1907. His principal business was 
to weigh kaffir corn and sorghum, the main crops of 
this locality. 

DELAWARE. 

Jay is the county seat; at least it was on the day 
this chapter was written, but we will not vouch for 
the truth of the statement now. 

Civil war broke out in that territory a few years 
ago, and for a time it looked as if the whole country 
would be involved, but after the Mexican war broke out 
the attention of the warring element was attracted in 
that direction, and in time the old Jay and new Jay 
county seat troubles were forgotten, but it is expected 
to break out again in a new place any time. 

Grove claimed the honor of holding the seat 
of government during the year 1907. 

DEWEY. 

Taloga is the county seat and principal seaport. 

The county was named after the hero of Manila 
Bay and there is a town in Oklahoma that bears the 
same distinction. For particulars, see the appendix. 

ELLIS. 

Arnett was the first county seat, but was later 
changed to Grand, where it still remains. 

The county was named after the second vice presi- 
dent of the convention and from the last reports he 
was still boasting about it. 



96 Comic History of Oklahoma 

GARFIELD. 

Enid is the capital and a right smart little village. 

A Republican by the name of Winfield Scott was 
the first county judge. We are not sure whether this 
is the same Scott who won renown in the Mexican war, 
but will investigate and report in the appendix. 

GARVIN. 

Pauls Valley is the county seat. 

This county was named after an old freighter, but 
there is a railroad or two there now and freighters are 
no longer tolerated. 

Freight has been delayed to a certain extent, how- 
ever, since the Oklahoma Central took charge, and 
some of the merchants long for the good old freight- 
ing days, when goods always arrived on time unless 
they were captured by the Indians. 

GRADY. 

Chickasha is the county seat and Bob Wilson, our 
present State Superintendent of Public Instruction, 
came from this burg. 

Chickasha has been so dead for the past few years 
that we were unable to find anything of interest to re- 
late at this time. The Girls School is located there and 
since that time the town has been very pious. 

GRANT. 

Medford is the capital. 

Many people gathered here at the opening of the 
Cherokee outlet and it was here that many of the 
Cherokees got stripped. This happened many years 
ago, and they have recovered somewhat of late and 
are about as well dressed as any of their neighbors. 



Counties and County Seat History 97 

GREER. 

Mangum is the county seat. 

This county has a history that is unique and 
little in common with other counties of the State. 

In the treaty of 1819 with Spain the Red River 
was made the boundary between the Spanish posses- 
sions and the United States. Texas became an inde- 
pendent nation in 1863. 

If Frank Greer had been born at this time, we 
would contend that this county had been named in his 
honor, but he wasn't. 

Now the old nesters that drew up this agreement 
failed to state which branch of the Red River was in- 
tended and the trouble was finally carried to the Su- 
preme Court and in the course of something like sev- 
enty-five years it was finally decided that this portion 
of the world known as Greer county belonged to the 
United States. 

The principal crops are gypsum and gyp water; 
some stock and horned toads are raised and a few of 
the general farm products are planted each year. 

HARMON. 

Hollis is the county seat. 

This is a slice of the old original Greer county and 
the same history applies. 

HARPER. ' 

Buffalo is the capital. No doubt named after a buf- 
falo that was seen there once upon a time before Paw- 
nee Bill cornered the market. 

The county was named after a clerk of the consti- 
tutional convention. We do not know how much it cost 
him, if anything, but will investigate and report in the 
appendix. 



98 Comic Histoi^y of Oklahoma 

HASKELL. 

Stigler is the county seat. 

Everybody knows who this county was named 
after, but as we want to sell some of these histories in 
Guthrie, we will not say anything about it right now. 

HUGHES. 

Holdenville is the county seat. 

We believe that this county was named after W. C. 
Plughes, a lawyer of Oklahoma City, but some people 
claimed it was named after Marion. 

The county is watered during the rainy season by 
the Canadian River, but during the dry season the peo- 
ple haul their water in barrels. 

JACKSON. 

Altus is the county seat. 

This is another slice of old Greer county and was 
named after Stonewall Jackson. History fails to state 
whether it was named for his nickname or his real 
name. At any rate stone is found here in paying quan- 
tities. 

JEFFERSON. 

Waurika was the county seat, and she still wants 
it, but Ryan claims that distinction at the present writ- 
ing; however, it is very uncertain, to hear Waurika 
tell it. 

We are of the opinion that this county was named 
Jefferson because all the citizens were in favor 
of the constitution that was written by a man of that 
name many years ago. 

JOHNSTON. 
Tishomingo is the capital, the home of Bill Mur- 



Counties and Comity Seat History 99 

ray, who helped put the Jim Crow Law in the constitu- 
tion of Oklahoma, but never was elected governor. 

Johnston county raises more cockle burrs than any 
other county in the State. 

KAY. 

Newkirk is the county seat. 

This county was named in honor of the eleventh 
letter of the alphabet and was originally spelled '*K." 

Later on, after the N. E. A. met and modified the 
English spelling, it was changed to K-A-Y. 

KINGFISHER. 

Kingfisher is the county seat. 

The county was named after the town, and the 
town was named after a stream and the stream was 
named after a bird, and it is hinted that Noah gave the 
name to the bird, therefore the history of this county 
dates away back, but space forbids a full discussion at 
this time. (See Appendix). 

KIOWA. 

Hobart is the county seat. 

J. L. Burk was at one time the coroner, but it is 
such a healthful place that he has never had much to 
do, and they claim that it is almost impossible to raise 
a disturbance with a six-shooter and a bottle of booze. 

LATIMER. 

Wilburton is the county seat. 

The county was named after Jim Latimer, who 
made himself famous in the constitutional convention. 

LE FLORE. 

Poteau is the county seat. 

The county was named in honor of a mixed blood 
Choctaw. 



100 Comic History of Oklahoma 

The county is exceptionally mountainous, and we 
were therefore unable to gather much of its history. 

LINCOLN. 

Chandler is the county seat. This is the home of 
J. B. A. Robertson, who was a candidate before the 
Democratic primaries for governor in 1914. He was 
defeated by Bob Williams. 

LOGAN. 

Guthrie is the capital (of the county). It was at 
one time the capital of Oklahoma, but during the reign 
of Haskell the capital was moved very suddenly, three 
years before Uncle Sam intended to make the transfer. 

The capital is no longer in this county, but is lo- 
cated, at Oklahoma City, near where the State is build- 
ing a statehouse and will quit paying rent. 

LOVE. 

Marietta is the county seat. 

This county was named after Bob Love, but Jack 
contests the claim at times. 

McLAIN. 

Purcell is the county seat. 

This county was named after Charley McLain, who 
was a member of the constitutional convention from 
that neck of the woods. 

McCURTAIN. 
Idabel is the county seat. 

History tells us that sixty percent of the county is 
mountainous and hilly and that ninety-five percent of 
it is forest land, while but five percent of the tillable 



Counties and Coimty Seat History 101 

land is in cultivation. Some history. The people live 
on dried grasshoppers. 

McINTOSH. 

Eufaula is the county seat. 

The county vv^as named after the old chief by this 
name ; he signed the treaty that moved the Indians to 
this country and was never very popular afterwards. 

One of the old bucks cracked him on the bean, and 
thus appeased his own wrath somewhat. 

MAJOR. 

Fairview is the county seat. 

This county was named after their representative 
in the constitutional convention. 

MARSHALL. 

Madill is the county seat. 

It was named after Justice Marshall. At one time 
he made a decision that 'The Indian Nation has rights 
with which no State can interfere." It seems as if this 
decision was reversed afterwards. 

MAYES. 

Pryor Creek is the county seat. 

This county was named after a noted Indian chief 
and Miss Archer was the first county superintendent. 
As she was an archer herself, Cupid had a hard time 
trying to outdo her. 

MURRAY. 

Sulphur is the county seat. 

This county was named in honor of the president 
of the constitutional convention, and the town of Sul- 



102 Coynic History of Oklahoma 

phur is a noted health resort where Oklahoma Charlie 
spent his declining years. 

The people were at one time engaged in raising 
alligators. 

MUSKOGEE. 

Muskogee is the county seat,' the home of Crazy 
Snake and Charles N. Haskell. 

The word means ''Low Land Dwellers," and Led- 
better, the present sheriff of the county, chased Al 
Jennings, the noted outlaw, all over these low-lands 
before he captured him. 

Afterwards this same Al Jennings made the race 
for the nomination for Governor against the present 
governor, Bob Williams, but nothing' ever came of it. 

NOBLE. 

Perry is the county seat. 

Perry is surrounded by a fine farming country and 
is known far and wide for the honesty of the people, 
due no doubt to the overruling majority of farmers in 
that district. 

NOWATA. 

Nowata is the county seat ; the name signifies wel- 
come, and any sojourner is welcome to all he can 
make off of a Nowata citizen. 

OKFUSKEE. 

Okemah is the county seat, and has no history to 
relate. 

OKLAHOMA. 

Oklahoma is the county seat. 

This town is situated on the Canadian between 



Counties and County Seat History 103 

Shawnee and El Reno, and is known far and wide as 
the best boomed town in the State. Few people of 
prominence have ever lived there, to hear Guthrie tell 
it, but many have gone there at various times to trans- 
act business. Al Jennings claims to have been elected 
to some high office there at one time, but he claims 
that they counted him out. 

We are not sure about this, but will look it up and 
report. 

OKMULGEE. 

Okmulgee is the county seat. 

The county was named after the city, which was 
in turn named after a stream in Alabama, which in 
the language of the natives signifies ''Boiling Water." 
This perhaps meant 'Tire Water." Anyhow, any one 
can have a hot time in Okmulgee. 

OSAGE. 

Pawhuska is the county seat. 

It is the largest county in the State and the total 
wealth of the natives far surpasses any other county. 

Pawhuska is known far and wide, in story and 
song, as the home of John Stink. 

OTTAWA. 

Miami is the county seat. 

Zinc and Jack are the leading products and many 
a poor sucker has dropped his wad there, but a few 
still survive and are making money there. Among 
them we might mention Jim Maybon, formerly of 
Guthrie. 

PAWNEE. 
. Pawnee is the county seat. 



104 Comic History of Oklahoma 

This is the home of Pawnee Bill, and here we find 
the fin(?st herd of buffalo now in existence, but few 
hunters are ever allowed on the premises. 

PAYNE. 

Stillwater is the county seat. 

This county was named in honor of David L. 
Payne, as he is supposed to have made the first settle- 
ment. 

If Payne had lived to be Governor of Oklahoma, 
they would not have named this county after him. 

PITTSBURG. 

McAlester is the county seat. Here we find the 
home of the State prisoners and also the founder of 
the town, J. J. McAlester, who trades in diamonds and 
gold at various times and has a large interest in one 
of the best banks there. 

North and South McAlester were united in mar- 
riage recently and they are now spoken of as one city. 

PONTOTOC. 

Ada is the county seat and in an old barn back of 
the hotel several years ago the people — wait a minute 
— nothing doing. 

POTTAWATOMIE. 

Tecumseh is the county seat, but we have failed to 
find anything of interest in Tecumseh. We might 
mention that there was once a great chief by that 
name. He died or got killed, I forget. 

PUSHMATHA. 

Antlers is the county seat. 

We could not pronounce the name of this county 
so we will pass it up. 



Counties and County Seat History 105 

ROGER MILLS. 

Cheyenne is the county seat. 

The county was named after a Texas statesman, 
but it is said that he never took much interest in his 
namesake and nothing ever came of it. 

ROGERS. 

Claremore is the county seat. This place is a noted 
health resort and people who never take a bath at home 
often go there to get one. Most people look better when 
they come back. 

SEMINOLE. 

Wewoka is the county seat. 

The county was named after an. Indian tribe who 
left their homes in Alabama and were termed by the 
other Indians "Wanderers." 

Anyone who wanders off to Wewoka will wonder 
why he wandered so far into wonderland. 

SEQUOYAH. 

Salisaw is the county seat. 

The county was named after the Cherokee who in- 
vented the Cherokee Indian alphabet. 

STEPHENS, 

Duncan is the county seat. 

Stephens county is noted for its beautiful girls and 
homely men. It is the home of Leslie Morris, the Texas 
Poet, whose little book, 'The Story of Jesus," is sold on 
every train running in the state. He gave us a copy 
for ''nuthin." 

SWANSON. 
Mountain Park is the capital and on our visit there 
we failed to find anything of interest to relate. 



106 Comic History of Oklahoma 

TEXAS. 

Guymon is the county seat. 

This county Avas carved from '*No Man's Land" 
and was so named because all the first settlers came 
from Texas. 

TILLMAN. 

Frederick is the county seat. 

This county was named after old Pitch Fork Ben, 
and all the inhabitants vote the Democratic ticket. 

TULSA. 

Tulsa is the capital. 

The name is of Indian origin and the town is lo- 
cated on the old stomping grounds known as Tulsa 
Lochapokas. Most of the town belongs to Tate Brady, 
but some folks do not want it to get out. 

Tate wears cotton socks now. 

WAGONER. 

Wagoner is the county seat. 

The county was named after the town and the town 
was named after a railroad promoter, but of late years 
Wagoner does not boast of its railroad facilities. 

WASHINGTON. 

Bartlesville is the county seat, made famous by be- 
ing at one time the home of the author and Emmett 
Dalton. 

The county was named after George, and the town 
after Jake, but Joe is the leading figure in the county at 
this time. 

Foster's Business College used to turn out more 
good looking stenographers than any other school in 
the State. 



Counties and County Seat History 107 

WASHITA. 

Cordell is the county seat. 

The county • derives its name from the Washita 
river and when it was first organized it was known as 
"H" county. 

WOODS. 

Alva is the county seat. 

Woods countj^ was named thus on account of the 
lack of timber in that part of the country. Some say 
that a Kansas lawyer claims that this county was 
named after him, but we doubt it. He has never pushed 
the claim, however, and the whole thing has gone by 
default. 

WOODWARD. 

Woodward is the county seat. 

The county was named Woodward in honor of one 
of the stockholders that put the first railroad through 
that country. 

Most of the towns in the state do not honor the 
stockholders of the railroads and Woodward has been 
talked of considerably on account of this strange freak. 



General Topics 



The first time Oklahoma was given away was in 
1665, when the Crown Prince of Great Britain made 
a grant for the colonies of Carolina, embracing all 
the land from the Atlantic to the Pacific between 30 
degrees and 36 degrees and 30 minutes north latitude. 
This grant included all the lands of Oklahoma except 
those lying north of the line formed by the westward 
projection of the southern boundary of Mississippi. 
This was the first time that a white man had any- 
thing to do with Oklahoma, but it remained an un- 
known country until a century and a half afterwards. 
What was going on in Oklahoma these many years 
will perhaps never be known ; still tradition has it that 
these were strenuous times. 

In 1763 France ceded Louisiana to Spain to keep 
England from getting it. Spain. kept it for thirty- 
one years, then gave it back; thus Oklahoma changed 
hands twice within a century, for in 1800 Spain gave 
Louisiana back to France. It still included almost 
all the present State. In 1803, when the country was 
bought by Jefferson, we paid two dollars and fifty 
cents per acre on an average, with Oklahoma thrown 
in for good measure. 

During the early days of Oklahoma the people 
were exposed to the lodge bug, and on most of them 
it took the first time. The general herd has never been 
able to vaccinate succesvsfully against it. Many of 
the poorer classes are working night and day to pay 
their insurance, yet but few of them have. been known 



General Topics 



109 



to die while their insurance was in force. If per- 
chance they are fortunate enough to do this, their 
v/idows soon marry again and the insurance money 
passes rapidly into circulation. Thus many an Okla- 
homa widow has been able to round out a life of 
misery and privation by marrying a second time. 







H IN G 



Many of the business men of Oklahoma join some 
other lodges on purpose to violate the liquor laws of 
the State, and in this they have been very successful. 



As soon as Statehood was ushered in the people 
thought it would be better to have more than one po- 
litical party. Before Statehood all the political busi- 
ness was done by the Republicans, and after Statehood 
all of it was done by the Democrats. 

The peculiar thing about this political proposition 
is that the party in power is always the corrupt one, 
and the party out of power is the one that could do 
such great stunts if they only had the say so. The 



110 Comic History of Oklahoma 

rule of the game is that the longer one party is in 
power the rottener it gets. Some people seem to think 
that there should be a change at this time, but we 
are not authority on this subject. If you think so, 
stick to your convictions and vote the Prohibition 
ticket at the next general election. 



L. W. Baxter was the first baldheaded man of 
any consequence in Oklahoma; he served the people 
as Territorial Superintendent of Schools in the early 
days. It was during his term of office that the author 
taught school in various parts of the State, and but 
for the kindness and consideration shown during that 
period we would not have this part of our career to 
point to with pride. 

Mr. Baxter is now cashier of a thriving bank iri 
Tulsa, and some day we hope to be able to borrow 
enough on the copyright of this history to tide us over 
a few weary months. 

With him in this enterprise at Tulsa is the Hon- 
orable J. W. McNeal, who was defeated by Cruce for 
the honors of Governor. Uncle Joe said just after 
the election that he never knew that there were so 
many Democrats in the world as there were voted 
against him at the election. He says that he en- 
countered all kinds of danger during the campaign, 
including a stop at Osage for lunch. The Katy stops 
at Osage twenty minutes for lunch on each trip, and a 
photograph and a cup of mud will cost in the neigh- 
borhood of six-bits. 



Ed Trapp was the first State Auditor. He had 
for several years been County Clerk of Logan County 
and he advised the First Legislature to provide the 



V (General Topics 



111 



State with a public debt as soon as possible, which 
they did by assuming the expenses of the Constitu- 
tional Convention, and ever since this w^e have had to 
bear the brunt. 

Thus the State was thrown into trouble, but Ed 
soon saw the necessity of curbing the more ferocious 
ones, and many of the newspapers were very sore at 




CD6 -DRtA 



"It's still a long way to Tipperary' 



him for some of his criticisms when he caught them 
trying to work their rabbit's foot on the innocent tax- 
payers. 



112 Comic History of Oklahoma 

It is reported that he had some strenuous times, 
but we cannot truthfully say what it was all about, 
and, as we are dealing with facts exclusively and do 
not base our contentions on hearsay, we will pass 
this up. 

There is an old saying that it is impossible to keep 
a good man down, and as we go to press we find Ed 
has climbed the ladder and is now the Lieutenant 
Governor of this great State, and in a few years more 
we will no doubt have a chance to see him filling the 
G — but wait a minute, this is not yet a matter of 
history. 



The New Jerusalem was a plan concocted by sev- 
eral real estate men who expected to reap a harvest. 
They wanted the State to buy a thousand acres of 
land and divide it into city lots and sell them to the 
highest bidder for cash. Then the said real estate 
men would build a shack on this land and call it a 
capitol building, and get an architect to draw a beau- 
tiful picture of a building, and pass it around for the 
unsuspecting public to examine before they paid for 
their lot. As soon as the matter was looked into the 
State decided not to do it, but made the same propo- 
sition to Oklahoma City, and they accepted it. 

Our new State capitol building has been located 
half way between Oklahoma City and Guthrie, and 
future generations will point with pride to a massive 
structure only a few hours' ride from the heart of 
the city. It is reported that w^hile Guthrie citizens 
failed to keep the capitol where they decided to put it, 
they will not be so very much farther away, counting 
from the postoffice building, than the folks at Okla- 
homa City are. 



General Topics 113 

Oklahoma has about 1,883 postoffices, and the 
people get mail at all of them. 

At some of these postoffices they have stores, and 
before Statehood some of them are supposed to have 
sold booze, but we do not believe it. Some of the post- 
offices were moved so often that they were supposed 
to have ''joints," and that is the way the rumor 
started, no doubt. 

Whether or not there were ever any joints in 
the postoffices we are unable to say, but we do know 
that nearly every one of them furnished a candidate 
for office in 1914. 



Justice is one thing in Oklahoma and getting it 
is altogether a different proposition. 

A clipping from the Bartlesville Enterprise of 
July 21st, 1914, will, perhaps, illustrate the feelings 
of the people better than in any other way. 

''Charles Miller, a nineteen-year-old boy, was sen- 
tenced to twenty-five years in the penitentiary at Mus- 
kogee the other day for stealing forty-two cents from a 
man," and the paper goes on to say that this happened 
in Oklahoma, where political grafters belonging to 
the Democratic machine have looted the State of hun- 
dreds of thousand's of dollars and escaped without the 
slightest molestation. 

Needless to say that the paper publishing this 
was a Republican organ, but nevertheless the truth 
remains unshattered. 

Still we find men willing to assume the great 
responsibility of enforcing the law, and telling the 
people of the great things they expect to do. 



Side Lights and Shadows 

Railroads. 

During the Civil War the Federal Government 
was greatly hampered in sending supplies to the 
troops in the Territory. The United States insisted 
on railroads entering the Indian Territory (1886), but 
according to the treaties made with the Cherokees and 
Creeks only, two railroads were to be given right of 
way. One was to be from north to south and the other 
from the east to the west. 

There was no limitation in the treaties made with 
the Choctaws, Chickasaws and Seminoles. 

The first railroad to enter from the north was 
to have passing right of w^ay and each alternate sec- 
tion of land for ten miles on each side of the track, 
if this land should ever become public lands of the 
United States, and you can readily see that several 
of the railroads were anxious to get a bite, although 
about this time land was not selling very high. 

Uncle Sam made a deal with the Creeks that was 
a stunner. You see, there was a little of their land 
wasting away for want of tenants, so the Creeks 
agreed that Uncle Sam might move some of his good 
Kansas Indians down here and they would let them 
settle on the western half of their territory if the 
White Father at Washington would cough up thirty 
cents per acre for it. There proved to be 3,250,560 
acres and brought the total amount in dollars up to 
over a million and a quarter. Then the Seminoles 
decided they would like to sell a few acres, so Uncle 



Side Lights and Shadows 



115 



Sam bought that, too, but could not see his way clear 
to give them more than fifteen cents per acre, but 
as they had over two million acres to sell it netted' 
them quite a nice little sum (1866). 

The Katy reached the line first (June 6, 1870). 
The first one to enter the Territory from the east was 
the Atlantic & Pacific, now known as the Frisco. This 
road was to receive the same grant of land, but, as 
the land never became the property of the United 
States, they are still waiting. 

The Santa Fe built into the Territory in 1885; 
the Rock Island in 1889; the others following later. 
Just a few years ago the Oklahoma Central was built 
between Chickasha and Purcell, and for a long time 
they had to run flat cars between the passenger 
coaches to keep them from butting the ends out of 
each other. 




A necessary precaution 



The road is wearing down a little smoother now 
and is running a close second to the Midland Valley. 

At Pawhuska, on this Midland Valley, they have 
a go-devil that meets the Katy passenger at Nelogony, 
and people going across from there to Pawhuska will 
pay six-bits to ride the seven miles on this contraption 
rather than wait for the '^Midland Flyer." 



Gangs 



The Dalton gang, the James boys, Cherokee Bill 
and his outfit, Wesley Barnett, Henry Starr, Al Jen- 
nings, St. Lapsky, a Creek Indian who used to kill 
white men just to see them fall, and Old Bill Doolin 
and his Swamp Angels were among the leading lights 
in the early days of Oklahoma in keeping Oklahoma 
on the map. 

It has always been conceded that Bill Doolin was 
the best-natured. outlaw that Oklahoma ever produced ; 
he could' laugh all through a fight and never know 
when he was whipped, but Heck Thomas finally wound 
up his little ball of yarn. 

These early days were very strenuous times for 
the marshals and their deputies. Perhaps the best 
known ones were Bill Fossett and his brother, Jack. 
Bill Tilghman, Joe McNally and John Abernathy were, 
however, not far behind. John is perhaps better 
known to the people of Oklahoma as ''Catch Them 
Alive" Abernathy, since his ''stunt" when he was 
showing off before Teddy when he was down in this 
neck of the woods hunting wolves a few years ago. 

The Dalton gang was broken up at Cofl^eyviUe 
many years ago, but the youngest member, Emmett, 
is now a respected citizen of Bartlesville. 

The last of the James boys, Frank, died last year 
in Missouri, but for many years he was a prosperous 
farmer near Fletcher. 

Al Jennings has for many years been a noted 
lawyer of the State and came very nearly being elected 



Gangs 117 

to an important office in Oklahoma City, and made 
a good run for the nomination for Governor in the 
Democratic primaries in the fall of 1914. He is now 
touring the country as an evangelist, and says he can 
make more money holding up a congregation of sin- 
ners than he could robbing trains. Al has many 
friends in Oklahoma who wish him well in his new 
field. 

Henry Starr is in the pen at McAlester. His last 
stunt at Stroud did not prove very successful and a 
lad with a blunderbus winged him while he was 
making his getaway, and he will be a star boarder at 
the expense of the State for some time yet. 

Thus we might go on for many pages, but we 
must hurry on, and thus we leave this part of Okla- 
homa to your imagination. 



Trails 




'"On the trail of the lonesome prairie 

Jess Chisholm laid out what was perhaps tlie 
oldest trail. It was the highway to Southwestern 
Oklahoma for many years. The starting point was 
the Wichita-Caddo Agency, where Anadarko is now 
located, and the most northern point was Wichita, 
Kansas. Camping grounds along the way were after- 
wards known as towns and have since grown into 
thriving cities. 

During the twenty years that this trail was in 
use Texas cattle drovers used it, supply trains used 
it and the soldiers and Government officers used it 
when passing from agency to agency. 

The Santa Fe trail has perhaps a wider known 
history than the others. There was many an exciting- 
battle fought along this trail, and in another place 
in this history you will find something interesting 
about this bloody trail. 

Other trails worthy of mention are the Dodge City 
trail, then the Wichita trail, afterwards the Caldwell 
trail. 

Of late years we have heard very little about 
trails, except the Trail of the Lonesome Pine. 



Ranches 




Q O o {3 a la e 

Jllylll.lllflll.illii^i^ia 



To give a description of the ranches of Oklahoma 
would be an impossibility, and we will not attempt it 
here. A few of the best known and their brands 
might be of interest. 

Billie Malalley, on Pond Creek. Brand, the run- 
ning W. 

The Hamilton Ranch, a little farther east. Their 
brand, the open A. 

Hutton & Cobb, on Black Bear, near Perry. , 

Cocoanut & Miller, west of where the 101 Ranch 
is now located. Cocoanut sold out to Miller, and that 
is when the brand was changed to 101, since known 
all over the civilized world. Sylvester Fitch was one 
0;f the best known foremen on this ranch in the 
early days. 

The old Bar X Bar was owned by the Fairmont 
Cattle Company. It was located near Pawnee in what 
was known as the Triangle country. 

The Four D, owned by Wyeth Brothers of St. Joe, 
was located just above Perry. 



120 Comic History of Oklahoma 

The ranches have been turned into fields of grain : 
the cowboys into the best citizens the country affords ; 
the cow pony has given place to the draft horse, the 
tractor and the automobile, w^hile beef to feed the 
babies is selling for thirty cents per pound that could 
be bought in those good old days for five, and still 
make the producer rich and allow the consumer a 
few clothes to cover his nakedness. But times do 
change ! 



Shows 

Pawnee Bill is a white man, and the town where 
he lives is named ^fter him. This will prove to yon 
that he is a very prominent man in his own home 
town. He had a great show one time, and it attracted 
quite a little attention, both at home and abroad, be- 
cause Bill had a corner on the buffalo business in the 
country. 

Joe Miller and his brothers of the 101 Ranch 
branched out in the show business also and the 101 




The 'Injuns" ain't what they used to be 



boys are known wherever civilized people patronize 
circuses. The only difficulty in this wild west show 
business is in getting the wild Indians. 

Joe A. Bartles, a native of Bartlesville, but now 



122 Comic History of Okkihoma 

of Dewey, pulls off a show each year, unless it rains, 
that beats them all. Joe is certainly there when it 
comes to a round-up, and he has made the show a 
success in every way (unless it is financially), and 
he says that if he can just get one more swipe at it 
under favorable conditions he will make a clean- 
ing yet. 

Now, the man with the B. S. that puts this show 
before the people is Hugh Amick, and folks say that 
his dope is great. His little book, ''Kidder to a King," 
is before me as I write, and if this article is not up 
to expectations it is because of the blinding tears shed 
in sympathy, to think that this little book w^as given 
away, when it should have sold for four-bits. 

Fred Woodward of Dewey claims that Hugh got 
his idea for the book from the one he put out a little 
while before, called ''Oklahoma Tales and Jingles." 
We do not care to enter into their conflab, so we will 
not pass an opinion at this time. (See appendix.) 



Cowboys 



Perhaps the best natured cowpuncher allowed to 
run loose at this late date is Colonel J. W. Hunter 
of Bartlesville. He is an old Government scout, 

having joined the Indian service 
of the Government in 1874. His 
father was a trader, but anyone 
can skin Jack when it comes to 
a horse trade. 

He was in Oklahoma at the 
time Pat Hennessey was killed, 
but no one ever blamed that 
on him. 

Ben Windom was another 
old timer and worked as a Gov- 
ernment officer in the early 
days, when not busy on the 
ranch. 

Frank Stephens worked for 
the Four D folks and in after 
years moved to Montana, where he keeps a Cowboys' 
Home for stranded cowpunchers. 

Earnest Lewis was another Four D boy, but w^as 
afterwards killed by Fred Keeler in Bartlesville. 

John McLean, now an insurance man at Tulsa, 
was an early days foreman of the Bar X Bar ranch. 

Perhaps Al and Cal Dean had more to do with 
the civilizing of the Osage Indians than anyone else. 




One of the bunch 



124 Comic History of Oklahoma 

The Colonel holds the record for establishing the quar- 
antine lines. 

Let us be thankful that in spite of political strife 
and cowpunchers the State (geographically speaking) 
has been preserved. 



Newspapers 



The first newspaper to gain much prominence in 
Oklahoma was the Oklahoma War Chief. It moved 
its place of publication so often that the subscribers 
could not tell where to send their subscription money, 
and in time it was forced to suspend publication. 

Soon after this the Cherokee Advocate, a paper 
printed half in English and half in Cherokee, came 
out at a dollar a year. Those who could read only 
the Cherokee part of the paper paid but fifty cents 
per year. 

This paper is still being published, but for some 
time it has been known as the Fort Gibson Era, and is 
published by J. S. Holden, who can give us all cards 
and spades when it comes to Oklahoma History and 
Indian Folk Lore. 

"Next, perhaps, was the Oklahoma State Capital, 
with Frank Greer at the helm; The Oklahoma City 
Times, The Oklahoman, The Guthrie Daily Leader, The 
Muskogee Phoenix, The Tulsa World and The Okla- 
homa State Register. 

Space forbids comment on the various newspapers 
of the State, but they are perhaps responsible for the 
advancement of the State both educationally and fin- 
ancially. 




A Tie nOts " 

At the close of business on December 31, 1915, 
Oklahoma had two and a half million dollars cash on 
deposit in the state depositories, but we are personally 
acquainted with a few of her best and some other citi- 
zens who were a little shy on that same date. 

The President, wishing, no doubt, to take time by 
the forelock and head off leap year proposals, had mar- 
irieci during the latter part of December. His policy 
had been for some time, 'Teace at any price," and he 
wanted to take no chances. 

Teddy has been dubbed by some unscrupulous pen- 
cil pushers "The Battle HIM of the Republic," and at 
various times during the year 1915 had differed some- 
what with the President on the war issue and had 
'bawled him out" several times. All this had nothing 
to do with Oklahoma and we simply mention it in pass- 
ing. 

The safety first craze was the general topic of dis- 
cussion during the early part of 1916 after the excite- 
ment of the President's marriage had died down some- 
what. 



1 



The Year 1916 127 

The object of the safety first movement was to get 
the public to take the blame for whatever happened 
and thus relieve the manufacturers and corporations 
of their proper share of the high cost of safety. 




"The pin of our fathers" 



It is working well at this time and bids fair to be- 
come one of the main planks in the Socialist party plat- 
form this fall. 

During the winter of '15 and '16 furs of every con- 
ceivable shade and color and previous condition of ser- 
vitude made their appearance on the ladies' dresses, 
even adorning the tops of their boots which were all 
the rage at that time. 

The slit skirt had lost its place in the fashion sheet 
and a very poor imitation of the old hoop skirt had 
taken its place; this skirt is gradually getting "fuller 
and fuller" and in time may be able to successfully 
rebut the argument that "figures won't lie." 

The new capitol building had at last been dedi- 
cated. This dedication was witnessed by many people 
who came from far and near to see the job done. 

In the cavity of the corner stone, reserved for that 
purpose, they placed many documents, including Ma- 
sonic records of all kinds, a list of the state employees, 
a list of the Capitol Commissioners, copies of various 
newspapers and some of the most enthusiastic citizens 



128 



Comic History of Oklahoma 



suggested that a sample of each piece of the ''coin of 
the realm" be placed in the box, but several spectators 
insisted on putting in checks in lieu of specie and the 
plan was not favorably considered. 

After the corner stone was put in place work was 
resumed during the lull in strikes and is continuing to 
the present time (July 1, 1916). 

On February 1st, Uncle Sam took the post oTfice 
funds away from Guthrie and gave them to Oklahoma 
City, but as the taking away process has been going on 
for a long time now there was nothing much said about 
it. 

The interurban is now being finished and what 
Oklahoma City thinks is there that can still be be taken 
away is a question; there surely must be somethm.? 







'Fording" the Atlantic 



they have their eye on or there would be no reason for 
b lilding this road. 

When Henry Ford returned from Europe, where 
he had gone to stop the war, he decided to build a Ford 
incubator in Oklahoma City and hatch out his ma- 



The Year 1916 



129 



chines right here on the ground floor, because he could 
not ship them in fast enough for home consumption. 
The city gave him the glad hand and the thing was 
done. 

Gasoline has gone up from 10c per gallon to 25c 
and its now up to Henry to get as good a substitute for 
gasoline as he did for an automobile. 

As soon as he had established his plant in Okla- 
homa he adopted his peace plan among his workmen 
and sent forth an edict that every married man had to 
get along with his wife, get a divorce or get another 
job. This brings to our mind the old saying, 'The 
women, God bless them ; man could not get along with- 
out them nor can he get along with them," so some of 
the men were bound to lose their jobs because they had 
not worked long enough to have enough ahead to enjoy 
such an expensive luxury as a divorce. 

Another thing we forgot to mention was that 
Henry has been busy filling orders from the Allies for 
war trucks since he returned from his peace mission 
(this is only hearsay) . 




\H the: 

zoo AT VsiHBELEf\' 



130 



Comic History of Oklahoma 



The Canadian river went on a rampage early in 
June and the farmers along the bank adjoining Okla- 
homa City cut the dam and turned the water into 
Wheeler Park, the city's leading pleasure resort, and 
the zoo was flooded. In the picture above you see the 
keeper of the zoo feeding one of the bears during the 
high tide and it is said on good authority that the ducks 
had more fun than a box of monkeys. 




Vamos pronto 



Nineteen sixteen still views with alarm the situa- 
tion in Mexico. Villa is still at large and hurls cuss 
words at the gringoes. On June 19th the Oklahoma 
soldier boys were called out to investigate the Mexican 
situation. Personally speaking, however, we have 
never lost any Mexicans and we would much prefer 
that our friends would say of us, "Didn't he run like 
the dickens," than to have them say, ''Don't he look 
natural ?'* 

The Democratic national convention met during 
June and Wilson took everything by storm as far as 
popularity was concerned. The voice of the people 
cried out for four more years of peace and prepared- 
ness. 



The Year WIS 



131 



The Republicans nominated Hughes and their al- 
lies offered the place to Teddy, but up to date there has 
been no decision reached. 




DR.NUTC 

FAMOUS 

HUMANS 




//^/^^S 




icddy 



Look 'em over 




4^^ f\ 




j/^ooi>^wy/ 



The howl of the G. 0. P. and her allies was ''Any- 
thing to beat Wilson/' What success they had in choos- 
ing cannot be entered on the docket at this time, but it 
makes very little difference to the people of Oklahoma 
and will not change the history materially. 



That Special Session 




Peace at any price 



Governor Williams called a special session of the 
Legislature to meet at 9 a. m. January 17. The pur- 
pose was as stated in his message, which contained 
forty-four long typewritten pages, was divided into six 
subjects, but we will deal with but three of them here. 

The slogan of the Governor was ''Cruel Economy" ; 
the session, therefore, was limited to thirty days. They 
couldn't do it. 



That Special Session 133 

The first question taken up was the usury la*w, 
which was thrashed out to the satisfaction of all con- 
cerned except the bankers. 

Then the election law that was to take the place of 
the Grandfather clause that had been declared uncon- 
stitutional was taken up. 

The democrats held that Oklahoma must safe- 
guard the purity of the ballot and place some kind of a 
restriction on the rights of the ''niggers" to vote or 
they might perchance be driven in droves and in herds 
to the polls on election day and be voted by an element 
that would cause the party in power much trouble aifid 
humiliation. 

Many of the legislators were of the opinion that 
the prisoners at McAlester should be made to earn 
their board and room during their visit there, and by 
and with the consent of the Governor they wanted to 
bu3^ or lease a coal mine and put them to digging coal 
for a living. 

This proposition was clothed in the following lan- 
guage so that very few people understood the nature of 
the thing, it was known as the authorization of the in- 
stallation of business enterprise among the state con- 
victs. 

Is it any wonder that the people failed to under- 
stand the special session? 

As soon as the session met the fun began. 

There w^as war in Europe. There was war in Mex- 
ico. The war spirit was abroad in all tihe land, and on 
Friday, the 18th, one of the republican members of the 
house from the northeastern part of the state got peeved 
because a democratic member called him a liar, and 



134 Comic History of Oklahoma 

bedlam broke loose right now. It is hard to tell what 
might have happened, which it would be our painful 
duty to relate in this history, if one of the saner mem- 
bers had not started singing that old familiar hymn, 
"Nearer, My God, to Thee." This suggestive music 
quieted the parties to the conflab and in a short time 
peace and quiet was restored. Yes, we said for a short 
time, for the sound of battle had hardly died away 
when slap ! bang ! biff ! thud. The chief of Bigheart had 
landed a crushing blow on the jaw of the republican 
committeeman and all because of that substitute for 
the Grandfather clause. Yes, this was a strenuous day, 
but everybody lived through it and nothing more of 
interest happened until the house threw one of the .ex- 
state officers bodily from the session. At least the lady 
says she was forcibly ejected. 

There was a rumor on the streets soon after this 
that the reporters from one of the leading papers had 
been barred from the session, but they got back later. 

After thirty-three days of warfare the legislators 
called on the Governor for their pay checks and he 
promised them that if they would draft a bill appro- 
priating ten thousand dollars for expenses of the mem- 
bers and employes he w^ould sign it. 

The Senate adopted this house bill unanimously 
and the members were paid off and they went home, 
leaving the results of their labors as a matter of his- 
tory for posterity, and the question now is, was it 
worth the wear and tear ? 



Search Questions 

Q. Who carried the constitution of Oklahoma 

around in his pocket for several days after it was com- 
pleted ? 

A. Forget it ! 

Q. What is known about the Red Book contro- 
versy ? 

A. Too much to suit the printers of the thing. 

Q. Why isn't Guthrie the capital of Oklahoma? 

A. Opinions differ. 

Q. Where does Oklahoma get her rot-gut whis- 
key? 

A. They ship it into the state in bottles, barrels, 
cocoanuts and coffins. 

Q. Who is known as Everett True in Oklahoma? 

A. Everybody knows this one. 

Q. What noted statesman was married the latter 
part of 1915? 

A. President Wilson. 

Q. Who followed suit? 

A. Lyon, Secretary of State. 

Q. Who must follow suit or trump? 

A. Our Bob. 



The Hind End-Gate 



TO THE PUBLIK : 

Writin this book has bin sum job, believe muh. I 
hooked up with this outfit for offis boy when they 

first started to writin this his- 
tory book and things went alrite 
for the furst munth and then 
the boss he begins to git bizzy 
and he rings me in on all kinds 
of jobs I hain't bargened fur. 
As soon as the futst edishun 
got skattered round he handed 
me a bunch of letters he'd just 
got and sez, sez he, ''Take these 
down to the cement plant and 
open them, keep them from all 
combu stable stuff for they are 
purty hot ones." 
He told me to diktate the an- 
sers to the stenograffer, but when I got to readin these 
letters I soon seen that it wouldn't do to try and dik- 
tate the kind of a speel that I wanted to hand them to 
the steno we had fur she want that kind. So I kud 
not get akshun there. 

In one of these letters the feller let out a roar like 
a jassak and the first thing he sez right in the first 
perygraf was that he wanted his dollar back. Well I 
didn't read eny more of that letter fur I seen he was 
purty sore. I looked at a few more of them letters 




0-y-i>ce. K .>r 

"Garsh durn" 



138 Comic History of Oklahoma 

and they was all about the same so I set down and 
wrote the same blamed thing to all of them, I sed : 

''If you-all don't like what is writ in this history, 
you know what you kin do, you kin get ,sum of your 
enemies to buy a copy. The price is one bone and you 
don't never see your bone agin after the boss gits his 
hooks on it. 

*'If you think you hain't gettin as much fur your 
dollar as some one else would give you, just call round 
to the office and the boss will hand you a pound or two 
of soft soap. One thing sure, someone will hand you 
something." 

After this the boss sed to me one day, ''if biznus 
keeps on gettin better I will have to make you general 
factotum." 

"Whatinthehell is that?" sez I to him and he sez, 
"the book is havin such a sale that we will have to have 
some one that hain't got nuthin else to do, to carry the 
checks to the bank and deposit them, he sez that every- 
body who sees the book wants it cose everybody's read- 
in' it. 

Yours as B 4 

THE OFFIS KID. 



Irish Confetti 

Police Station, Bartlesvilie, Okla. 
My Dear Foster: 

I have just read a few advance sheets in manu- 
script of your forthcoming ''History of Oklahoma," 
and I am glad to say that I am still able to be around, 
although I do feel sick at the stomach. 

If the sample pages show what the book is to be, 
believe me, it will be the only living giraffe with two 
humps on its back now in captivity, and you know 
there ''hain't no such animule." 

The City Dads ^re going to buy a thousand copies 
of the first edition for use in the police department. 
It is planned to use them on the prisoners hereafter, 
who, instead of receiving the customary $31.75 and 
thirty days in jail, will be given the fine and compelled 
to read a copy three times through of "Foster's His- 
tory of Oklahoma." It is believed by the City Fathers 
that this will have a tendencv to reduce crime. 

The one fear is that after reading the book once 
through, they will commit suicide rather than endure 
the torture again. 

This would add needless expense to the city. 

Respectfully yours, 

A. S. KOONCE, 

Desk Sergeant. 



Brickbats 

Dear Mr. Foster : 

Your book ''Foster's Comic History of Oklahoma" 
reached my desk today. It is certainly worth all it 
cost me. 

I thank you for sending it to me prepaid, with your 
compliments. 

Yours truly, 

Chief HOG-SKIN 



Dear Old Friend Foster : 

I have just finished reading your great book, the 
History of Oklahoma. 

After carefully perusing the pages, I said to my 
son, Frank, ''Son, if you could write a book like that, 
I would be willing to have you die — Yes, anxious." 

Very tearfully yours, 

JOE RITCHIE. 



Dear Mr. Foster: 

For the past ten years I have been compelled to 
sit in my wheel chair on account of rheumatism. 

I w^ant to thank you for sending me your book. I 
read it through at one sitting and while I do not see 
that it helped my rheumatism any, yet it made it no 
worse and I am truly thankful. 

Yours, 

ABBIE DOLITTLE. 




"There's many a slip 'twixt the cup and the lip" 



Appendix 



The many citations to the appendix were given 
with the best of intentions, but this said appendix fin- 
ally got so congested that a consultation of the best and 
most learned citizens of the country was called for, 
and, after due deliberation, their diagnosis indicated 
the necessity of an operation, which was successfully 
performed, and the appendix was immediately re- 
moved. 



,.Ai. 



^^^ 



DR 
in SHARP 

, HORSES' 
[ riUL^- DOCTOR. 




'Ah! cut it out" 



LIBRftRY OF CONGRESS 



016 094 547 3 





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